WoW Archivist: WoW's zaniest merchandise

WoW Archivist explores the secrets of World of Warcraft's past. What did the game look like years ago? Who is etched into WoW's history? What secrets does the game still hold?

With only five shopping days left until the Feast of Winter Veil, it is officially holiday crunch time. To inspire you in your shopping goals or maybe point out the perfect gift for that special raider in your life, WoW Archivist presents the zaniest WoW-themed real-world merchandise of all time.

Strange swag

Every BlizzCon has its swag bag, but 2008's edition, celebrating the Wrath of the Lich King expansion, has to be the zaniest ever. In addition to Diablo III "sinamints," a can of "zerg creep" goop, and a pandaren beer cozy, the bag included an inflatable Frostmourne or an inflatable "Bubble Hearth Beach Ball." The latter is a Divinely Shielded dwarf using an uninterruptable hearthstone -- in beach ball form.

The bag also included a package of tissues labeled "QQ noob," masks of Azeroth's races (reminiscent of the Hallow's End in-game versions), and a Frostmourne keychain. The keychain is notable for its several outward-facing spikes. It takes falling on your keys to a whole new level of pain. The full-size Frostmourne replica is more dangerous, but you're also not carrying it around in your pocket mere centimeters from your genitals.

Or are you?

It's a murloc ... on your head

At BlizzCon 2010, Rubies Costumes unleashed the "murloc costume hat" on the world. This isn't so much a costume as an entire murloc riding on your noggin, clammy limbs dangling majestically with every stride. This is apparently an appealing notion to many, since the hat is sold out at the Blizzard Store.

If you're just dying to be murloc sheik, J!nx has you covered. Their murloc hoodie is notable because you can zip it up over your head and peer out of its fishy face through mesh eyeholes. I can't recommend this, however. Never go full murloc.

J!nx also offers a pandaren monk hoodie complete with panda ears for those long holiday beer-drinking sessions and/or family kung fu fights. It's not just a generic panda hoodie, either -- it has a pandaren paw symbol on the back.

If murlocs and pandaren aren't Horde enough for you, a player named Anreha makes a troll mohawk hat.

Baby, you mean the World of Warcraft to me

Few items can compete in sheer silliness than WoW baby merchandise. J!nx strikes again here with a onesie that reads "My other stroller is epic." I think that just means mom wears pointy armor and walks faster.

This shaman bib strikes me as ludicrous but yet somehow awesome in its simplicity. Frost Shock that spoon of strained peas! What's even stranger to me is that WhistlingDoe doesn't offer a bib for any other class. It's shaman or nothing, kids. Learn to love totems.

For maximum child embarrassment, however, I recommend this onesie that proclaims "conceived between raids." Well, it's better than "during."

The Etsy gold mine

When it comes to crazy WoW-themed gift ideas, Etsy is a gold mine.

• Behold Moostafar, the tauren dice bag. Because carrying around a normal bag of gaming dice just isn't geeky enough.

• I also came across this amazing Horde and Alliance nerf gun set. If Garrosh and Varian were planning to exchange gifts, this would be perfect.

• Even elves and trolls can find love, and this wedding cake topper is proof. I'm going to pretend that the elf is Kael'thas: "The bachelor party was merely a setback."

• No one will ever ask how your paladin is specced again when you wear these necklaces. It's a role check for your neck. I'm going to hold out for the diamond-encrusted versions.

• This perky pug statue is made of clay and patience. Just don't let him drag his butt on the rug.

• All weapons are hunter weapons, but especially this Spare Gunship Cannon replica.

• Perform rocket surgery for the Horde with this surgical mask.

• Hearthstone cookies have no cooldown except how many you can shove in your mouth.

So epic your hand will turn purple

In terms of sheer zaniness, one item offered by the Blizzard Store wins out over all others: the Epicus Maximus mouse pad. Yes, that's an image of a laser-equipped shark ridden by a devilsaur ridden by a Forsaken rocking out on a guitar. If you don't know the backstory to this, Blizzard just blew your mind.

As legend has it, a beta forum poster complained that Cataclysm's Maelstrom area "just wasn't epic enough." Lead world designer Alex Afrasiabi replied,

This model was the result. Blizzard named it "Epicus Maximus, Paragon of Epicosity." Though it was created only for the beta, the model was far too epic to leave out of the game entirely. Epicus has a chance to appear as part of the quest A Disarming Distraction in Uldum -- and of course on your mouse pad.

If you decide to gift any of these items, you can always wrap it with a custom WoW bow.

There has to be more out there -- share your zany merch finds below. Happy Winter Veil to all!

After months of surveying, WoW Archivist has been dug back up! Discover lore and artifacts of WoW's past, including the Corrupted Blood plague, the Scepter of the Shifting Sands, and the mysterious Emerald Dream.