Once upon a time, we published the results of some of our advice. Since then, a few of the letter writers from the last year have responded, so we again get to tell you what happened next. (Note: Some of the responses had to be edited for length.)
Let's get right to it, shall we?
Robby from when "just friends" intrude on love gives us more details on his situation and reports a mostly happy ending for him and his girlfriend. It also seems I (Robin) was completely incorrect in my assumptions -- but I'm OK with that.
Thank you very much for posting my letter in your column. I found both yours and Lisa's advice to be spot on considering what little bits of info I could fit into the letter. I feel that after reading all the comments thus far that I have a bit of explaining to do.
First of all I am 22, and my girlfriend is 19. This older man was initially a friend of mine. He was one of the first people I met in WoW. He quickly became a good friend of mine. I am extremely social in most aspects of my life. I make friends easily. In WoW I am much the same.I'm a Name, Not a Class is feeling a bit better about her pet peeve.
After several guild collapses and lots of drama I learned that having a deep personal relationship with any member of a guild can spell disaster for a raid team or a guild in general. I don't forgo all personal guild relationships but I set clear boundaries for my work, my WoW, my personal life etc. Personal relationships can lead to speculation as to why you were chosen for a raid, why you were promoted/demoted, all kinds of things. So I certainly try and keep personal situations at arms length when WoW is involved. I have made exceptions but they are few.
My girlfriend is not social, and has problems making friends. So I asked my friend to help break her out of her shell. Little did I know what would happen. He and another friend I made in WoW pretty much stopped talking to me and focused on her solely. The two of them began contacting her outside of game via phone and text and it put a huge strain on our relationship. I voiced my disapproval and misgivings and eventually she ended the friendship with the other friend (not the one from my previous letter). Those two friendships gone bad have made me very wary about getting personally involved with guildmates.
My girlfriend doesn't have a job and as I said before she has issues making friends so I initially thought that this was just her reaching out for a friend. Her relationship with this older man has came up frequently and each time it has been addressed it was resolved with me having no reason to distrust her or to doubt anything she says.
I mentioned in my letter that my girlfriend is a very different player from me. What I mean is that she sets no boundaries and sees no issues with inviting friends from WoW into her personal life. I also mentioned her parents, she currently lives with me six days out of the week. We live in a very conservative community, so her parents are very much involved in her life. I am treated as a member of their family now so I was shocked when we all sat down about her friend coming to visit and they were ok with the idea.
He came down and met her family so when he came down the second time they invited him to stay in their home so he wouldn't spend money on a hotel. Again this was troubling to me. I couldn't see how anyone could invite a man they didn't know to stay with their 2 daughters. Her sister is 23 and lives at home as well. This older man has caused so many problems for my relationship that he and I no longer speak though I remain civil for my girlfriends sake. She hates that we can't get along, but she has accepted it and tries to make the best of it.
I am truly grateful for the help and insights that I gained from you and your colleague and all the commenters so far. I showed my gf the column and talked to her at length about the situation. She agreed that there should be no more personal visits and told me to say the word and she would break off the entire thing if it meant that much to me. So I guess we shall see.
Thank you Drama Mammas I think that maybe her seeing how it appeared to total strangers may have given her a fresh take on it all.
Best wishes, Robby
Hello again,I am very happy about the results of the duo that was having trouble deciding what to do, even though she took the advice from one of the commenters instead of us.
I'm "I'm A Name, Not A Class." My letter was more of a vent than a problem, but thanks for publishing it. I felt a lot better after seeing all the comments, both constructive in getting over it, and agreeing that being simply "priest" or "hunter" is really annoying. It made me feel that yes, I'm not alone in my irritation, and helped me to understand why people resort to "classing down" people.
Yeah, it still bugs me, but not to the extent that it used to. I think part of it is we're late in the expansion now, so not as much "You suck, priest!" in pugs and just general greater tolerance on my part.
Thanks again, Drama Mamas!
Results!The Other Egg gave us another update.
"Sam" and I tried taking turns at first, and it went very well! But I admit, I stuffed it up. It was one of his days to choose, but I had to work a funny shift and it cut into our play time, so I told him he could have the next day, too, to make up for it. Then every time he thought he might have to cut our time short by even a half an hour he'd insist that I get two days in a row, that sort of thing.
Then after about a week when we couldn't play at all we spent a hefty chunk of time trying to remember whose turn it was last, and later in December we couldn't play together again for a week or so and we completely forget whose turn it was after that. I thought about writing down the date and whose turn it was, but that just felt so artificial. Besides, I think we both felt guilty if it was the other person's turn and we went off topic with a long conversation, or YouTube video, or needed frequent breaks for any reason.
Flipping coins is actually how we made decisions before I wrote in, since sometimes he'd help narrow it down a bit and then instead of either of us deciding we could just flip coins! But, as I said, that was before writing in, so it wasn't entirely satisfactory trying to fight him into picking three or four pairs to choose from before we could start the coin flip.
"The Dewd" in the comments of the article gave the winning suggestion that we still use to this day! He mentioned getting a game die, picking six activities to choose from and assigning them all a number, and then rolling to see who wins. This is perfect for us! Sam picks three pairs he'd like to work on and I pick three, we number them and I roll. It makes the choosing who to play almost as fun as actually playing together! (Okay, not really, but it's still pretty fun). This also let's us break our play sessions down into smaller parts, so if we have a short time together and can only roll the die once that's just as good as having several hours and being able to work on all six activities.
It's become a fun routine for us, logging in and rolling the die and diving into the game. Unfortunately we won't be playing in March at all because, as some people in the comments guessed, we're completely in love with each other. He's coming up here and we'll meet for the first time early in March, and luckily for me he'll be staying all month long. We *could* play WoW together while he's here, but you know... it doesn't seem quite as important ^_~
Thankfully we won't have to remember whose turn it was last after THAT long of a hiatus!
Hello ladies!Troubled GM let us know what happened with X and Y and the trouble with unwanted sexual attention.
I wrote to the Drama Mamas back in 2009 as The Other Egg and again in the followup. I have a happier ending for you now. :D
They say if you want something done right, to do it yourself. So here I am, a Guild Leader! I act an example of my in-game ethics and enforce the codes of conduct for my members. Even in this age of rife ninja-looting and guild hopping, we seem to be gaining a server reputation as being friendly, polite players. I'm glad I made the choices that I did. I tried my hardest to avoid drama-mongering while sticking by my principles, and although I did end up leaving my former guild, I am sure now that it was for the best. It is definitely easier to remain quiet and hope that a problem sorts itself out. But for better and for worse, our actions do affect others around us whether we wish them to or not. We all want the same thing: for the WoW community to be its best. So let's start with ourselves.
Eggs, Sunny Side Up :)
First of all thank you so very much for your help in this situation! To answer your question, yes "X" spoke to "Y" on two seperate occasions in regards to stopping this situation. After sending in my email to you, I recommended to X that they take a few weeks off just to get away from the situation. X will be back this weekend, so you can bank on the fact that we will have things resolved before raid time on Sunday night! And for everyone that felt my question was unreadable, I apologize - but didn't feel that gender played a role in our situation. Thank you again Drama Mama's!!!
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at firstname.lastname@example.org. Read Robin's section of this post on how to get your letter answered and please remember that we cannot answer privately.