Drama Mamas: When friends don't behave like friends
Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.
It hurts when your good friend doesn't have your back.
I have an issue that I hope you can help me with.
I've been playing wow for 6 and half years now and after my first guild folded I went to play on the hordes side of the fence for a little bit. After deciding to return to alliance I offered my support to a friend from the previous guild in her quest of making one of her own.
It's been about a year since I joined the guild and was appointed assistant gm and being put in charge of raiding I even took care of the guild whilst my gm and her partner was moving states I farmed for mats and put gold in the guild bank and also gained a handful of recruits.
In July last year I recruited someone into the guild that's a very nice social player and we got along very well and was saddened when he decided to stop playing when MoP came out. He returned and I asked if he would like to come back to the guild as we will be starting to raid again come march and after I heard that he did well in recruiting for his guild if he would mind helping out (we know have 200 new members and going strong)
Here's the problem and on my part betrayal from my best friend also guild master...
She thought it would be a brilliant idea to promote him to assistant gm (2nd to my first) after 2 days, not only that but he said he wasn't feeling that welcome and wasn't fitting in (2 days after I had explained to my friend of 6 years the same issue I was having at was appearing that newbie was having) on top of this she bought him 2 496ilevel items off the ah to show her gradatude.
The biggest back stab was I got none of that respect or honor for looking after the guild whilst she moved states and was at work.
The other issue is newbie didn't like the way I was planning my raids or guild fun runs and bitched about it to my best mate. She later rallied it back to me saying maybe I should listen that maybe I should listen to newbie more... And to try and make him feel more at home. She said this after saying she didn't want to upset me.
What do I do, I was so close to rage quitting the guild but I don't want to lose 2 of my best friends over this whole thing ( her partner is mad at her for not showing a long time friend the respect that I deserve)
I could really use some help on this one...
Angry elf
Drama Mama Robin: Hey, Angry Elf. I got a little confused reading your letter, so I'm going to break it down to a cast of characters.
You: Angry Elf, Assistant GM
Betty: GM. Best mate?
Jughead: 2nd Assistant GM AKA Newbie
Veronica/Archie: GM's partner
Betty took a break from the game and you took over for her while she was gone.
Betty came back and took up the GM position again.
You recruited Jughead to join the guild and help with recruiting. (Did he help you get 200 members strong?)
Betty promoted Jughead to 2nd assistant after two days of being in the guild.
Jughead complained that nobody likes him.
Betty bought Jughead some gear.
Betty doesn't show you respect or honor.
Jughead complained to Betty that you aren't doing a good job with raids and fun runs.
Betty told you to listen to Jughead.
Veronica/Archie is mad at Betty for not showing you respect.Assuming I got that right, I have a big question for you.
You say that Betty doesn't show you respect or honor and that's a separate thing from telling you to listen to Jughead. How did you want her to show you respect and honor? By buying you gear? I really don't understand that part at all. I don't see how giving Jughead gear disrespects you. Unless there is something I don't know here, I think you overreacted to this part of your story.
How did Betty and Jughead get to be such good friends so quickly? Did they know each other before? Or was this some sort of friends at first sight kind of a thing? Regardless, Jughead shouldn't have gone over your head to Betty to complain. He should have discussed it with you first. Did he offer suggestions or just badmouth your work? Suggestions would have at least been somewhat helpful.
I wouldn't quit the guild if I were you. You've done too much work to get the guild where it is and this is just a very annoying bump in the road. Have a calm talk with Betty alone. Remind her that you took over for her while she was gone. Tell her you feel she's been siding with Jughead against you. Tell her you're open for suggestions, but undermining the work you're doing isn't the correct way to bring about change. Do tell her the whole truth -- calmly. Explain that you were thinking of leaving the guild over this. Make sure she understands how serious the situation is. A calm talk with her about these subjects should yield good results if she is really your friend.
Good luck!
Drama Mama Lisa: Before you go into this conversation, Angry Elf, I'd encourage you to consider what result might make you feel better. I see that you're hurt that the GM has given out gear to the new guy, but I don't sense that gear is really what you're after. You don't want to be bought off -- you want to be heard. And the only way to accomplish that, as Robin says, is to get talking.
Once you've talked things through to an agreeable resolution, it's time to build teamwork. Guild officers should never be executing their duties in a vacuum; guild leadership is a team effort requiring liberal doses of communication. It's been a while since my last plea to guild officers to take an active, collaborative role. Active involvement and communication are truly the keys to building a drama-free zone for yourself and all your players. This is the big ticket, guys.
Let's keep this simple: Guild officers, your position is not an honorary title. Being an officer is not a reward for being an old-timer, a strong performer or even a "good guy." You have a job to do: shepherding your team and everyone who's in it. Even if your GM hasn't assigned you specific duties, it's your responsibility to keep things moving forward. Even if you're not the designated Animal Control Officer, you don't get to sit on your hands, ignoring the elekk in the room, until someone complains about the piles of elekk poop blocking the way. Quit waiting meekly from a commandment from the GM on high. Quit fiddle-faddling about until members quit in frustration. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
I'm not telling you to ride in half-cocked, guns blazing. You're part of a team of leaders, so work together. But when a sticky social situation is making everyone uncomfortable, it's your job to take action. If manpower or strategies need tweaking, it's your job to bring it up with your team and handle it. If That's Guy's obnoxious behavior is sapping guild morale, it's your job to turn down the dial. ... Are you catching the pattern?
If you're thinking that sounds like a lot of adds to keep up with, you're absolutely right. You're an officer. Many whelps. NOW. Handle it.
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com. Read Robin's section of this post on how to get your letter answered and please remember that we cannot answer privately.
