Oh hi, Boo. No, I didn't want that beautiful Golden Mushroom anyway. Stick out your tongue and whisk it away to someone who is less-able than I am, someone who is likely stuck against a wall or completely turned around, Lakitu all up in their face just shouting, "Are you even trying? Why can't you see that everyone else is plainly moving toward the opposite direction?" Tragically, this Golden Mushroom will only encourage their belief that they actually have a chance in life, that they are not doomed to rank dead last FOREVER ON THIS EARTH. Which they most definitely are.
But go ahead, Boo, take whatever you want.
Let shame and disgrace come upon those who find joy in using Bullet Bill to move up in rank. Can their be any higher degree of hand-holding in a video game? The stinking thing drives your kart for you. You can literally put down your controller while Bullet Bill is crashing through better players and still reap the benefits. Actually, now that the controller is out of your hands, maybe it's best that it stays that way. We don't want you to strain yourself trying to steer or anything. Seriously, you might get hurt. At least wear your wriststrap.
This is a big, frowning banana. It's menacing characteristics are self-explanatory.
Ah, ye olde POW-block. Almost as old as Mario himself, and yet still around as the bane of our racing efforts in the latest Mario Kart. Only the most horrific drivers ever get the glory of detonating one. However, it is a somewhat reassuring and agony-reducing fact that a well-timed waggle will prevent your kart or bike from losing much speed when the POW drops, but those triple Mushrooms you were rationing for the big shortcut? Gone.
Oh, unholiest of all that is unholy: This wretched item has taught us the meaning of unwarranted misery. All of those record laps and perfectly timed power slides, all of the second-shaving trick boosts and wheelies rendered absolutely void by an unavoidable Spiny Shell slamming us to a instant stop just inches from a first place victory. Sent with a kiss from the chump in dead last.
Another shockingly irritating item. It's not that being temporarily small bothers us so much, but remembering how BAD that player must be to have found this item is a traumatic experience in itself.
Aside from the abrasive buzzer that sounds when this item shows up--which tells you, no, you did not receive something good or friendly and in fact you are now in a great deal of trouble--the Thunder Cloud is a harbinger of bad things. Your kart may be given a minor boost while it's in your possession, but hold it long enough and you will feel the wrath of pure electricity transform your vehicle into a puny toy susceptible to flattening. Do yourself a favor and play hot potato with this one.
Hey, at least it's smiling. Eases up the burden a little, doesn't it?
For as much as we appreciate the nearly impenetrable rotating shield these red shells afford, we never get to see them way up where the extremely talented racers rank. So we're going to piss and moan about them instead. The real irksome quality of this item is not the homing projectile it gives our aim-challenged opponents, but the THREE homing projectiles it gives them. GAH.
How could we forget about the incredible anguish Chain Chomp caused us in Double Dash? We don't know what's worse, getting plowed by this barking monstrosity or watching the incompetent driver he pulls along undeservedly take first place. Either way: Pain. And just because he was ultimately replaced by Bullet Bill doesn't mean he's off the...um, chain. We'll never forgive him.
There was a time long ago when we thought of Starman as an excellent addition to Mario's inventory, bringing wealth and prosperity to his vulnerable life in the Mushroom Kingdom. This was before we started seeing so many Wii Wheel-wielding newbies and their mothers (for whom the Wii-Box formerly meant swinging at the TV to show relatives how they do Wii Sports, then coming to the groundbreaking realization that 'Whoa! I can use my Mii in this new racing game, too?') invulnerably tearing through a grassy shortcut with Starman and crossing the finish line before ANYONE WHO HAS ANY KART SKILL WHATSOEVER.
These days we can't look at Starman without thinking, you shiny sellout. What happened to the days when earning a Power Star took strength and valor? Now any schmuck in last place can pimp it out.
Guess what ramps up the difficulty of any kart race? Ink sprayed into your flippin' eyes. Thanks, Blooper. Ever since those water levels of Super Mario Bros. we have really hated you and your unpredictable swimming stroke, flopping all around like you were caught on an invisible fishing line. And don't get us started on the knocked-up Bloopers that spit out little babies. Just keep your nasty ink off of the race track and out of our faces.
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Have you also suffered the rubber-banding unfairness that is item distribution in Mario Kart? Be brave. Share your painful story with us back at the main page.
Thanks for reading!