"Just five more minutes, Mom," says Alan Wake, rolling over in bed and burying his head in the pillow. Mr. A. Wake slept right through his E3 alarm, no doubt dreaming of the day Remedy finally completes his spooky adventure.
Despite targeting a 2008 release, Sega's xenophobic shooter was missing in action at E3, robbing us of the opportunity to make tiresome "Game over man, game over!" jokes every time we died.
Sure, Beyond Good & Evil 2 was only announced five minutes ago, but we really wanted to see more of the photogenic photographer Jade and her literally ham-fisted uncle, Pey'j. We really need to rub some oinkment on our burning desire for this game.
You can't unread that, don't even try.
Ignoring a brief return in Lego brick form, Indiana Jones hasn't graced consoles since The Collective's Xbox, PS2 and Gamecube adventure, Indiana Jones & the Emperor's Tomb. Recent layoffs and a focus on Star Wars games seem to have pushed Indy into a corner for now -- we just hope LucasArts remembers to excavate him before he becomes a Euphoria-powered skeleton.
The number of things we know about Bungie's next game can be counted on a single hand: It wasn't at E3. We hope the game's official announcement, reportedly held back by publisher Microsoft, occurs before we find our 4 missing fingers.
Where was Grand Theft Auto IV's first batch of downloadable content? We know Microsoft paid dearly for it, we know it was recently delayed to Q1 of Take-Two's fiscal 2009 ... we just don't know how it will change Liberty City.
Tim Schafer, a man far more polite than us, warned us beforehand that Double Fine's mythological rock venture wasn't going to be at E3. Luckily for other publishers, he talked us into attending the show regardless.
Still hesitant to show off Sam Fisher's stab at social stealth, Ubisoft decided to keep E3 and Splinter Cell: Conviction separate -- save for in sentences complaining about how the game missed the show entirely. Who's neck do we have to snap to get a gameplay video?
Some stay dry and others feel the pain
Shown to print but not online -- for shame
The game books say it can't be here again
We're sure they'll give it ten out of ten
Upon further consideration, we feel a little bad about this one. Really, what right do we, mere bloggers and gamers, have to ask a game developer to reach into its packed vault of cherished properties and develop an actual game for its game-playing game machine. You know, the kind that we don't have to share with grandma.
Well, this is a first: A game we retroactively missed at E3. While we lowly bloggers couldn't even begin to comprehend the intricacies of Sega's marketing strategy, we probably wouldn't have waited until after the world's gaming press left a convenient, central location to announce our new game.
Then again, our game probably wouldn't have incorporated something as daft as a sword-wielding, blue hedgehog either. It would be an orange hedgehog.
Behind the scenes fact: This post was almost about Dead Rising: Chop til You Drop, another Wii game announced under similar circumstances (i.e. the cover of Nintendo Power).
Don't worry, Tecmo assures us that Rygar's Wii-bound pummelfest is still "in development," and that we can expect to hear more on it this Fall. Right now, we're not as worried about the Battle of Argus as we are the battle of apathy.
The absence of the remade and retooled first-person Vin vehicle, Chronicles of Riddick, saddened quite a few Joystiq staffers. Mostly the ones who didn't play the original.
The MMO where everyone wears a bandana managed to elude us at E3. Perhaps we should have been looking for it under the title it really deserves: Grand Theft Auto Online.
Though we're usually the first to complain about E3's lack of futuristic hover transport (all that walking between halls can't be good for you), 2008 marked an especially upsetting absence of veering, v-shaped vehicles. Rumors point to failed epilepsy tests as the culprit for WipEout HD's no-show.
The E3 showing of Pandemic's World War II action game, Saboteur, didn't quite go according to plan. In fact, we're not convinced there even was a plan, save for the one that tricked us into generating the game's hype by talking about its absence.
Wait a minute ... we're onto your manipulative ways, EA! (By the way, where was Pandemic's The Dark Knight game?)
Though exposure to Namco Bandai's Soul Calibur IV may have impaired our mammaries -- uh, memories -- we're fairly certain we didn't see Tekken 6 at the show. We certainly appreciate Namco's honesty in the matter -- the publisher could have easily tricked us by showing off an unmarked Tekken 5.
Yeah yeah yeah, it hasn't been officially announced, but a Mass Effect sequel is about as unexpected as, well, a sequel to a popular property in the video game industry. We didn't think it would be at the show in playable form, but we were counting on a fancy logo, perhaps one backed by a dramatic voice-over as it emerged from a dazzling nebula.
Just kidding. This is a joke slide.