Though last night's Spike TV Video Game Awards were an unmitigated travesty and an affront to the dignity of true gamers everywhere, the undisputed highlight of the night was not the 2005 Game of the Year As Chosen By Spike TV's Marketing Department, but the heavily contested revelation of Best Gaming Blog. Tensions in the blogosphere reached a fever pitch in the hours leading up to the ceremony, with numerous girly slapfights erupting amongst the crowd. Nerves mounted ever higher as all of webdom looked on with bated breath, occasionally looking away just long enough to retch into a nearby bucket. At long last, the moment of truth: who would Spike TV recognize as the world's best gaming blog? The envelope, if you please. And the winner is…
IT'S A TIE! KOTAKU AND SLASHDOT FOR THE WIN!!!
The audience burst into deafening applause as Brian Crecente and Rob Malda simultaneously slumped forward in their seats, heads in their hands, shielding their faces from the cameras. Unfortunately, representatives from Joystiq were unavailable to accept the award for Least Association With the Most Egregiously Farcical Event of 2005, as managing editor Vladimir Cole had been critically wounded earlier in the evening during a slap-related altercation on the red carpet, and the remainder of the Joystiq staff had already been ejected from the premesis for multiple counts of indecent exposure. Rob Schneider was eventually fooled into accepting the award, though only after being told it was made of chocolate.
Though we here at Joystiq revel in our victory, we are not deaf to the plight of our blogging brethren. Each of us on the Joystiq crew extend our most heartfelt sympathies to Kotaku and Slashdot, who are even now bracing for the inevitable influx of prepubescent wannabe-hax0rs who think that beating Halo 2 on Normal difficulty makes them totally l33t. However, despite our sweeping triumph, we realize that it could have just as easily been us on the receiving end of such a disgrace, and we must inevitably remind ourselves that the only real winners here are those blogs that failed to be nominated in the first place. Take the hint, Spike. Next year, either drop the gangsta overtones and air an awards show that gamers aren't ashamed to be associated with, or don't bother inviting us to the after party. We'd just end up stealing all the liquor anyway.