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How to lose in Alterac Valley

Matthew Rossi

It has come to my attention, as the kind of masochist who is trying to get Gladiator's gear for five level 70's before taking them into the Arenas (one team already created and one more incoming) that I run a lot of Battlegrounds now. And of all the BG's I play in, AV is the one that seems to have all that you need for a really exhilarating, awesome good time, full of close matches and hard fought victories.

Luckily my fellow players have often stepped in to prevent any enjoyment whatsoever. Out of a sense of gratitude, I thought I would compile some of the ways my fellow Horde or Alliance (depending on who I'm playing) have conspired to help keep me safely mired in a total bog of withering boredom.

Part One - We need more armchair generals, please.

Seriously, don't actually play the game. Don't make the mistake of going out there and capturing graveyards, defending towers until they burn, or even killing enemy faction players. Don't waste your time. You're a strategist. You have to share your time tested battle plans, preferable in all caps, and leave out as many vowels as you can when you do so. "Frgt IBGY, rsh RH, DON STOP FOR TWESR." While no one in the group will know who Don Stop is, much less why he seems to be running for the office of the Twesr of all Alterac Valley, you will have managed to convey your intricate strategems to the whole battlegroup. Money and accolades will no doubt follow. It is especially important to do this as a counterpoint to six or seven other people who are offering opposing battle plans in caps, how else will you convince them of the rightness of your cause?

Part Two - It's best if seventeen people stop riding to the graveyards to kill one warrior.

Yes, I'm usually that one warrior. Hi. Remember me? You were all riding to Stonehearth Graveyard and you saw me by myself and jumped off your mounts to kill me? If you're wondering why the Alliance managed to stall you there for a solid five minutes, that would be why. One or two people probably could have killed me, I'm just saying, I'm a night elf in greens. The dude with the Vengeful Gladiator's Dreadweave can probably handle it, and if not, the two paladins with him will probably help tip the odds in his favor. Likewise, it is not necessary, prudent or even useful to stop mid-field and farm honor while the Alliance is capturing Frostwolf. I know it's fun to kill the same hunter over and over again, but while you're doing that, Drek'Thar's head is on fire and his towers are ashes as bitter as the curse in his heart. This leads to the next problem.

Part Three - Try to defend almost nothing. 40 people on offense! Let's ride.

I know that Jimmysnuka is one heck of a mage. Really, I have a lot of faith in him. However, leaving him alone in front of Galv's bunker while 36 of us ride north and 3 of us try and hide behind a tree and hope no one checks the map twice to find them AFK might not be the optimal way to play the game now. See, if we have 37 on offense and the Alliance has 15 on D, they can hold Stormpike indefinitely, because every one of us who dies is spawning half the map away and every one of them who dies is spawning, oh, ten yards away from the flag in a sheltered rocky nook protected by a giant hill. Meanwhile, 20 alliance are teaching Jimmy the limitations of Frost Nova with every pointy or blunt object they can find. Towers are burning, reinforcements are depleting, and meanwhile we still can't get up a damn hill to take a flag because several people are dropping massive AoE damage from behind the sheltering arms of the rocky earth.

Part Four - Make sure to blame everyone else in as profane a manner as you can for every setback and give up as soon as the other side takes back one single tower.

Clearly everyone but you is a doddering, drooling, grunting troglodyte and if only they'd heeded the plans that leapt from your fingers like Athena, bursting forth from Zeus' brow, we would be winning instead of having lost Tower Point. Sure, we still have Iceblood GY and the Horde isn't making any progress north while we burned Iceblood and West Frostwolf, but the game is clearly over now that we've lost Tower Point. Best to give up now, but please, before you make sixteen fruitless charges into a mass of ten horde and wonder why you die so fast (it's clearly because Blizzard loves the Horde and hates Alliance that you couldn't kill ten horde by yourself) make sure to insult everyone else in the group. Tell them that you intend to or even have fornicated with their mothers, and as always, use as many capital letters and as few vowels as you can. That'll show them. They'll rue the day they lost Tower Point!

I believe that, if you follow these four simple rules, you too can lose in Alterac Valley. No, no, don't thank me: just sharing the joy, guys, just sharing the joy.

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