This week sees the commencement of E3, the Super Bowl for gamers. On Tuesday, Nintendo will announce all of its big plans for the rest of the year, sending fanboys and fangirls alike into a frenzy. And while others choose to give us predictions of what we will see, here is the much more important information: things that we won't be seeing.
5. The Game Boy Ultra - Around the time that the DS was first announced, Nintendo made a point to clarify that the new dual-screened portable was more of a "third pillar" than the next installment in the Game Boy line. But then the DS started printing money ... lots and lots of it. Regardless, in an effort to stay true to their word (as they always do), Nintendo will unveil the Game Boy Ultra. The sleek handheld will feature a small but crisp widescreen display showcasing wonderful GameCube-esque graphics. In fact, it will be backwards-compatible with all GameCube games, using the same 8cm discs as Nintendo's last-gen console. Also, similar to the PSP's remote play, the Game Boy Ultra will connect to the Wii and allow data transfers to an SD card. This will allow Virtual Console and select WiiWare games to be played on the go. And since Nintendo plans to keep DS owners in agony by not announcing New Super Mario Bros. 2, they will reveal that the Game Boy Ultra will ship packaged with a free copy of Super Mario Bros. Ultra.
Survey Says: Not necessary; Contra 4 removes the need for any other portable game or system.
4. The "You're Fat and Stupid" Channel - With the success of Wii Fit informing the masses (and yes, we do mean masses) of just how fat they are, Nintendo will decide to expand upon this by engaging a new market of insults: stupidity. The Brain Age games were a step in the right direction, but Dr. Kawashima lacks the bite of the Balance Board's "ouch!" when you step on and the "that's overweight!" exclamation after weighing a less-than-fit user. When playing the "You're Fat and Stupid" Channel, various Nintendo characters will appear and inform the user of how fat and stupid they are. Just imagine the fun you'll be having when Ludwig von Koopa calls you a heffer and Professor E. Gadd equates your intelligence to that of a stomped goomba. While standing on the balance board the user's slump in posture will be measured after every insult. After repeated use, you will be able to see just how much your self-esteem has lowered since you began.
Survey Says: No thanks, our sensibilities are delicate enough.
3. Laurent Fischer Dunk Tank - Not so much a "video game" as "atonement," in-between booths for the new Kid Icarus and Animal Crossing games will be an actual dunk tank. Perched atop is none other than Laurent Fischer, the infamous Senior Marketing Director for Nintendo of Europe. As he bellows insults to passersby, patrons will be asked to throw softballs at a button, triggering the switch to release the seat and plunge him into the water tank. The participants will be divided into two lines: one for geeks, the other for otaku. And the prize for dunking the fanboy-hater: a 2 gigabyte USB thumb drive which plugs directly into the Wii and allows the storage of VC games, WiiWare, Wii channels, and save data!
Survey Says: DUNK TANK PLZ.
2. Bible Adventures 2 for WiiWare - Inspired by Capcom's retro-chic Mega Man 9, disbanded developer Wisdom Tree will rise from the grave and reveal the game that everyone has been waiting for: Bible Adventures 2. Featuring 8-bit styled graphics to match the finely-tuned classic gameplay, gamers will wait with bated breath for the Wii's first killer app. Like the original, Bible Adventures 2 will be unlicensed. In order to download it, users will have to use a homebrew solution to load Wisdom Tree's own special Wii firmware. This will come complete with a special Wisdom Tree Shop Channel featuring VC downloads of Spiritual Warfare and Super 3D Noah's Ark (the latter of which would require users to first download Wolfenstein 3D).
Survey Says: Let he who is without sin develop Bible Adventures 2.
1. Castlevania Judgment: Just Kiddin'! - Since its initial unveiling, Castlevania Judgment has been met with near-universal skepticism. Many Castlevania fans are already at odds with the third dimension, and the idea of focusing on fighting had quite a few of us scratching our heads. However, at E3, this will all be exposed as an extremely elaborate joke. The true game will be revealed when the first person steps up to try Judgment. While the player is meandering through the quaint 3D combat, Koji Igarashi will creepily lurch his way forward from behind the kiosk. He will then stand in silence for several (excruciating) seconds. Just when the player is contemplating an escape route, Iga will push a special button located on the side of the monitor. Suddenly, like the unveiling of Super Mario Bros. 3 at the finale of the 1989 film The Wizard, the game will transform into the 2D side-scrolling Metroidvania we all assumed/hoped it would be. It will feature tight controls, beautiful hand-drawn graphics, and incredible 2D gameplay that will never die. Upon its release, Castlevania Judgment will dethrone Symphony of the Night as the greatest in the series. Having completed his mission on earth, Iga will then smile, tip his cowboy hat to us, and fly off into the sunset.
Survey Says: Well, at least they might release Rondo of Blood somewhere outside of Japan.