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Joystiq Original Hip-hop: Welcome Back (To The Stage of History)

Jordan Mallory

Anyone who's listened to my long, incoherent rambles on The Joystiq Show knows that I love fighting games more than most things that exist. What you may not know, however, is that my love for a good combo is rivaled only by my desire to spit sick verses over fly jams. So, when Joystiq's Alexander Sliwinski and Steven Wong suggested that I marry my two passions into one creation, how could I resist?

The end result (embedded above) is a SoulCalibur 5 rap song written and performed by yours truly. The destructively sick beat was lovingly crafted by tanner4105, an incredibly talented producer and electronica artist who donated his services out of the goodness of his own heart. Full lyrics are available after the break!

Other rappers try and front with they raps,
but I Guard Impact and then I throw it right back,
or I Just Guard, giving me that frame advantage
and I hit 'em with a flow, causing brain damage.
And when they guard break, I got a critical edge
pop-locked and loaded and that'll leave 'em dead
'cause i'm an overhead strike that you can't deflect
or circumnavigate with an 8-way step.
Respect the rhyme, it's the weapon of choice
when the Soul Calibur is in the shape of my voice
and the Soul Edge takes the form of my mic.
Sucking up souls while I take down Nightmare;
Round 1: Fight! That's right, I'm frightening.
Watch me strike here twice like lightening.
Again and again,
and the match don't stop until I got three wins.
Defending my thrown as the fighting-est rapper,
JPHONIC got more styles than the Edge Master.
So whatcha after? You know I deliver
a calculated combination of verbals,
and never filler.
Every syllable a counter-hit that puts you in stun,
I'll send you back home broke like the prodigal son.
You better run if you're in my vicinity
'cause I'mma Summon Suffering; Calamity Symphony.
Over centuries, through the eons
I've been reducing other rappers down to peons
so party on while the beat unfolds
an eternally retold tale of swords and souls.


THE SOUL STILL BURNS up a track when it's given the chance,
'cause my rhymes got reach like they Hilde's lance,
and they get stuck in your head like they Asty's axe
and they a sight to behold like Ivy's ass.
Think fast, my counter attack
is a well-written rap
wrapped up in a cardiac arrest
with a rhyme so fresh.
Everybody try and test
but I leave 'em all depressed.
Indisputably the best,
it's a fact that you cant contest,
or divide by the number of times that I rest.
Respect my rapier wit;
Raphael style shit with a guard crush hit.
That's it, I'll leave you looping
like you're Tira, hoola-hooping.
Keep on rapping, keep attacking,
till your health bar is translucent.
Such a nuisance,
but don't mistake my game for party-pooping
just because you cannot hang, it ain't my fault that you've been losing.
Get some schooling, little time in the lab,
and when you think you're ready, hit start: Rematch!
At the character screen, give myself a handicap,
but you still gonna lose even with all that
'cause I'm Astaroth, and I can't be stopped.
Got the Great Maul and my sternum off.
Made by the Gods, a homunculus,
and I spit so sick it's REDUNKULOUS.

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