Drama Mamas: When being female is a problem

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Drama Mama Robin
Drama Mama Robin
Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

Sometimes it just feels safer to hide your gender in game when you are female.

I have noticed the last few years getting worse, or that I am just on the wrong realm. That if a guild has a female player in it, once the members find out, their hormones starts to act up. This way I am still more closing up against giving details about me, even if I am still being who I am, I just started to refuse answering questions like what is your realname. (which is commonly asked).

They hardly ask for gender, but that comes because they hardly met a girl in WoW (possibly because some are doing the same as me) I guess.. So everyone is male unless proven otherwise. I have no problem with that, however if I prove otherwise, their hormones starts to act up and not sure what happens in this guild, but it will highly end up like most of my last guilds, being driven away from the guild by pestering.
I already have seen some comments since they do notice, that I am avoiding such questions and refuse to speak on TeamSpeak, the fact that I am writing the guild website from scratch and I have setup a TeamSpeak server. Showing my dedication, (since the guild comes forth from a guild where people lacked to show up on time and they where sick of that) and that I want to make this guild work. However some are expressing their minds with "Girls cannot code" and such. Even writing a website is not actually coding, but scripting (Since the languages involved: PHP, Javascripts, are scripting languages), I feel less to give more details about me.

I do like the guild, as they are now accepting me as if, but once they find out I am a girl, I doubt I will be left in peace, starting the roulette all over again and ending with me leaving the guild. I would like to have advice, though I am currently taking a lot of effort for the guild, and would find it sad if I end up quitting the guild due to pestering.

Would it be best to keep it like this? Should I wait some more to see if they have the same problem as with the last few guilds? Or should I just let them know, and hope for the best?

I am, due to the past, more scared to say who I fully am, I am still being myself, but I need to keep most of the comments I want to make out. I don't want any attention from the guildmembers, or anything else, only to express who I truely am and fully to speak without limiting some comments I normally would make.

Even I make such an effort with the guild website, I can take it to some other guild who is in need for this and accept who I am since the site is still far from finished. Changing the banner with the sitename is all it takes and I still would continue develop the site for a different guild, but the feeling would not be the same.

Hugs ^^,
- A quiet person who wants to express herself

Drama Mama RobinDrama Mama Robin: AQPWWTEH -- wow that's a mouthful. I'm just going to call you Quiet. Anyway, Quiet, I think you already have your answer as far as how you will be treated if your guild finds out you are female. They are going to give you just as much grief as the others. We know this because they are making statements like "Girls cannot code." The guild name might as well be The Misogynists.

So you have a choice. You can continue to hide your gender and be stressed about it. You can identify yourself as female and hope that only a couple people have issues. Or you can get while the getting's good. I recommend leaving as soon as possible.

There are many women who play WoW and there are many guilds who don't freak out whenever there is a female around. You need to find one of them.

When you do find a new guild that looks promising, you want to let them know you are female as soon as possible so that you can see how they react before getting too involved. That way you can just move on to the next guild on your list of possibles if they have a bad reaction. Hiding and hoping they treat you well if they do find out is just a waste of your valuable time.

Now, I'm not saying you should abruptly announce your gender in guild chat. "By the way, I'm a girl. Anyone have a problem with that?" But you do want to casually let it drop when you are chatting. Or you could just speak up in TeamSpeak. There might be a surprised reaction, "Whoa you're a girl!" but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Surprise is different from the unwanted attention you have been getting. Just take it lightheartedly. "Whoa indeed." And move on.

When you find a mature guild who treats women well, you may still get some unwanted romantic attention. Many people like to find their romance online and will chat up someone who seems like a good fit. Don't be upset. You probably just have a pleasant in-game personality. If you turn them down and they continue their attentions, then it's something to bring to the GM. But I wouldn't blame the entire guild for that, unless the GM doesn't back you up. But that's a whole other issue.

In short, Quiet, it's time to leave your guild and find one of the many out there that will treat you well. And then have fun.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

Drama Mama LisaDrama Mama Lisa: Stop worrying, Quiet, about something that hasn't happened yet. You're right: You don't know how your guildmates will react, so quit eating yourself up over the possibilities. Let your gender come out naturally, but make it soon. Take any awkward situations that come up one at a time -- Robin is right that you can't blame the whole guild for a couple of bad apples -- but keep your eyes open. If you feel consistently uncomfortable with the way you're treated once everyone knows your gender, it's time to move on.

Meanwhile, I want to reiterate something Robin and I discussed only a couple of weeks ago. The fact that a guild raids at a time you can play or that its progression matches yours is only the very first filter you should apply in a guild membership search. Raiding guilds are a dime a dozen. The criteria you really want to examine is what makes the group distinct, the things that give it personality and create its day-to-day atmosphere. Do these people play the way you like to play in an atmosphere that you find interesting and at home in? That's what determines whether a guild will be a good fit, not the mere fact that its members also play this game.

Don't settle for second best. Study up in our Guide to Choosing the Right Guild, paying special attention to the section devoted to the various flavors of raiding guilds. It's obvious that you haven't been applying to guilds whose members share anything in common with you other than the fact that you all play World of Warcraft. Get picky -- you deserve it.

And finally, Quiet, I'd like you to start listening to the little voice inside you. You made your case in your email clearly and calmly; you know how you feel, and you know what you want. Respect that! If something inside is telling you you're not comfortable where you are, and if find your thoughts drifting to other possibilities you think might be more enjoyable, get out there and pursue something else. Your head is already on the right track; let your feet follow!
Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at robin@wowinsider.com. Read Robin's section of this post on how to get your letter answered and please remember that we cannot answer privately.
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