One Shots: Mutant masochists

Justin Olivetti
J. Olivetti|11.16.14

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One Shots: Mutant masochists
auto assault
One of the quickest ways to my heart -- and to the top of a weekly One Shots column -- is to send me in something that I haven't seen before or an MMO that hardly ever makes it to my inbox. That's why I'm kicking off with this submission from Zulika featuring Auto Assault, the post-apocalyptic vehicle game that lived but for a brief time.

"Notice the faint quest marker above the head of the lady suspended by chains and hooks. If I remember correctly, this was taken in some quest hub full of mutant masochists. Even though it was just in a game, it still felt odd," wrote Zulika.

Odd in most situations, true, but for MMO players it's just the latest in a long calvacade of weirdness that we witness every day. Let's get this parade going!

I was pleased to see that my faithful One Shots followers took me up on the screenshot challenge to dig up older pictures, including this one from Ralph the Wonder Llama. It even comes with a great story!

"Way back in the summer of 2005, after much careful consideration, I finally decided to give a new online game called Guild Wars a try," Ralph wrote. "Attached is the eleventh screenshot I ever took in the game. It's a view down into the surprisingly beautiful catacombs that run beneath the Barradin Estate in pre-searing Ascalon. My newly minted Warrior/Ranger is sporting the collector set armor minus the helmet because back in my day we didn't have a collector set helmet. Back in my day we used to fight the entire length and breadth of pre-searing Ascalon without a collector set helmet... up hill... in both directions! And we LIKED IT!"

Fishing? I'll do it on occasion in real life to prove my manliness, but I still can't fathom why it's a thing in MMOs. Why fishing? It's such a random hobby for games to widely adopt. Why not cribbage or weeding gardens or bird watching?

Well, reader Derrick certainly seems to appreciate it: "Mabinogi is holding a fishing event where you can fish up jewels and potions with special bait. I returned to the Human starter town and decided to fish under the nice looking sky considering the game's age."

"So I found a quest in Final Fantasy XIV that allows your Magitek Armor mount to fire its weapons once again. They don't do any damage in battle, but who cares! Magitek Cannon! I don't know how to adequately describe how many squees this brings me," submitted reader Wolfyseyes.

It doesn't seem quite fair that I don't have access to giant walking tanks in real life, but characters in a fantasy setting that still uses swords and bird-based transportation do. Well, I guess there's nothing to do about it other than to seethe quietly. Commence seething in three... two... one...

And we're almost out of time here folks! Before we leave you to the comments section, we want to encourage you to participate in our screenshot challenge of the week. This time it's to email in a picture and story of a particularly nasty-looking enemy mob -- and the closer, the better. Well, not up the nostril, but selfie-close at least. Toodles!

Want to be featured in a future edition of One Shots? Send your favorite MMO screenshots to, and don't forget to include your name, the name of the game, and a description of the scene. Large, colorful, UI-free shots that tell a story and really show off the game make for the best images. Look ma, we brought back One Shots!
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