Editor's Note: Apologies for the factual inaccuracies in this article. Defrag is still a thing, sort of, and Windows today performs just fine after days of uptime. Mavericks and Mountain Lion have nag screens just as annoying for Windows Firewall, and as for not breaking stuff... Well, I've had plenty break in OS X, free Mavericks or not. Look for a rebuttal this week, all in the name of science.
Mac turned 30 years old today, in case you hadn't already heard. Despite the naysayers declaring it a dying brand for three decades now, Mac is still chugging along with no signs of slowing down. I could sit here and add a few drops to the "Mac vs. Windows" argument, but it wouldn't really matter. So I'd instead like to take this opportunity to remind all you crazy ones of a few things you don't have to do to your Macs today.
Defragment your hard drive
Whereas most Windows machines organize files like a lazy teenager hastily cramming questionably clean laundry into a dresser drawer, OS X arranges things like a college student with OCD and a Ritalin prescription. Kick back and enjoy not having to worry about where the hell your Mac is putting everything.
Update your firewall
As your long-suffering friends with Windows computers download their 14th firewall update so far this year, you can giggle to yourself -- or right in their faces -- because it's pretty hilarious.
I'm sure Apple's hardware would be much better received if it came jam-packed with useless programs and free trials of crapware, but for now, us Mac owners will find and download the programs that we want instead of letting third-party manufacturers decide for us.
Worry about the next update
One of the best things about owning a Mac is that you can confidently download new software updates and entire new versions of the operating system -- now for free -- without worrying that doing so will completely break both first- and third-party applications. The only times I'm ever excited to update my Windows machine is when I'm waiting for Microsoft to fix something that was already broken.
Does Windows feel sluggish, unresponsive and laggy? That's probably because the computer has been on for more than half a day and needs a reboot. Meanwhile my Mac has been on for 27 days straight and it feels like I just booted it up.
Renew an antivirus subscription
While your Windows-supporting friends are bracing their bank accounts for another $60 hit from Norton, OS X devotees can remind them how they refused to "pay more for a Mac."
[Photo Credit: Curtis Palmer]