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EA to show off six new games at E3 (but probably not these)

S. Prell, @SamPrell

Spike TV's Geoff Keighley reported today that Electronic Arts will reveal six new games during their press conference at E3 2014. And ... that's it, that's all we know about it. While it's hardly shocking to hear that EA is going to show new games at E3 - they don't book a nice theater and put on a show for an hour just to show off their nice jackets - any further details on their announcement are absent. Since we're counting the days to E3, you know what that means: baseless speculation time!

Yes, we're going to fill in the blanks ourselves and guess what these six games will be. Note: these are wildly inaccurate, wholly unfounded, and not at all meant to be taken seriously. Get it? Got it? Good. Let's begin.

Battlefield: Bakery
Running on the newly-developed FrostingByte engine, Battlefield: Bakery will combine the series' well-regarded team-based and tactical combat with the colorful personality of series like Plants vs Zombies. Players will fight to consume their delicious baked goods faster than the other team in modes like Dead-ing Bells, Calorie Counter and Next-Morning Regret. The game will run on dedicated servers so that you can always have your cake and eat it, too. Those so inclined can also purchase the Battlefield Premium: Red Velvet pass to receive access to new flavors before anyone else.

Dungeon Keeper 2
The mobile reimagining was called "ridiculous" by the Dungeon Keeper series creator. "Ridculous fun!" will be this sequel's tagline.

Beyond Good & Evil 2
Seeking to replicate the success of their Mirror's Edge announcement from last E3, EA will once again reveal a new entry in a franchise nobody bought: Beyond Good & Evil. Having bought the IP from Ubisoft, EA will be reimagine Jade as a man, while the anthropomorphic animals that populated her - sorry, his - planet will be given military-grade weapons and armor. This new squad, called the Hillys Environmental Rebel Protection Division and Evil Repellant Police (or HERPDERP for short) will blast their way through environments boasting unprecedented levels of brown and gray color as they fight to topple their greatest enemy: chest-high walls.

Star Wars: Wookiee Adventure
EA revealed last year that they had signed a multi-year deal with Disney to produce games based on the Star Wars license. One such new game will be revealed to be an action-adventure set on Kashyyyk, where players will take control of a Wookiee named Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrwwyk. The game's entire supporting cast will also be Wookiees, who will speak in their native language of Shyriiwook. (Translation for our Wookiee readers: RRRrrrrr woorrrrrRRRr RRRoRorrrrrr wwwr wrrrwooOOOR.)

Your Life
EA has developed a virtual reality device that makes the Oculus Rift look like the cotton gin, and it will transport you into a new world where you can do anything you want to do. The first game for this device: Your Life. Your Life is a first-person, procedurally-generated roguelike that relies heavily on microtransactions to progress. The game will be free-to-play, but each VR device will cost $100,000. Said device will be hailed as a revolution in technology, as it will weigh virtually nothing, and is invisible. But it's totally real, and the graphics are amazing. For serious.

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