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Kohler’s voice-controlled bidet seat turns your dumb toilet into a luxurious smart-throne
Some companies take monitors, TVs and AI-fueled laptops to CES. Kohler brought a toilet seat you can talk to. The accessory fits onto most elongated toilets, transforming your dumb can into an Alexa- or Google Assistant-powered smart-loo.
Live like a king with this dick bidet
Men, ask yourselves, "is my cock really as clean as it could be?" I mean, you wash your hands after using public restrooms (or at least you should, you filthy bastards) so why wouldn't you give your Rob Thomas a quick cleaning while you're at it? With this new high-tech urinal you'll be able to do just that.
So, this exists
I can almost hear the possibilities flying through your heads when you look at the image above. What exactly are we looking at here? It seems to be some sort of metal iPad stand... but what's with the toilet paper? Is it some sort of a joke? There's no legitimate product that could possibly pair a tablet with toilet paper, is there? Oh, there is, and that's just the start of it. This is the Biffy Buttler (he he), a freestanding, handheld stainless steel bidet that, of course, includes a built-in iPad stand. If you're not familiar with the concept of a bidet, think of it like a fire hose for your [CENSORED]. It's a pressure washer pointed at your [CENSORED]? A rinse for your nether regions? There we go. Perhaps the best part of the Biffy Buttler is how its existence so subtly suggests that you've been bringing your iPad into the bathroom with you for years anyway, so you might as well have a stand in there, too. "Stay connected while you freshen up!" it so boldly exclaims, but we all know you're not sending business correspondence while seated on the porcelain throne. No, you're trying to beat your Flappy Bird score before someone knocks on the door and asks why you've been occupying the john for a full half hour. The Buttler carries a retail price of US$149.95 (though it's currently on sale for $119.95). I guess connected cleanliness doesn't come cheap.
Kohler's Numi $6,400 high-tech toilet does most of the dirty work for you (video)
We've seen some pretty fancy cans in our time, but perhaps none as tricked out as Kohler's latest $6,400 john. The Numi does just about everything for you, aside from the stuff that, well, only you can do. Looking something akin to a fancy pop-top waste bin, Numi comes complete with a self-opening and closing lid so you never have to touch the toilet seat; a self-cleaning bidet with adjustable controls for temperature and water pressure; heating elements to keep your toes and tush toasty; an illuminated panel for nighttime rendezvous; a built-in speaker system that connects to a remote docking station to ensure only you know exactly what you're doing in there; and a deodorizing element that sucks air from the bowl through a charcoal filter. Of course, no connected appliance would be complete without a touchscreen, and the Numi's no exception; it has a touch panel remote that you can use to set to your specifications. Now, that's what we call a porcelain throne. Check out the ridiculously lavish promo video after the break.
Regio Smart Toilet is self-cleaning, music playing, and definitely overkill
So, this is what the future looks like: the Regio Smart Toilet by INAX combines a bidet and a self-cleaning toilet with such features as automatic flushing and deodorizing, an automatic seat and lid, and dual flush modes, with a throne-side media player that supports an SD card reader for custom audio playlists. We just hope that this comes pre-loaded with "You Dropped A Bomb On Me" by The Gap Band. Available in black or white at Crescent Supply in Lawrenceville and select retailers worldwide -- hit the source link to get one for yourself. [Thanks, Trent]
Toto's Z-series toilets recalled due to fire hazard
Sure, spontaneous combustion has occurred in a bevy of consumer electronics over the past year or so, but if there was one place even we thought you could count yourself safe, it'd be on the john. Apparently, this assumption is no longer valid for Toto toilet owners, as 180,000 of the company's Z-series units are now being recalled "after wiring problems caused three to catch fire over the past year." The electric bidet accessory is being shown the blame, as the faulty wiring not only torched a trio of units, but also caused smoke to come flowing out of 26 others. As expected, the firm will "repair the potentially fiery units manufactured between May 1996 and December 2001 for free," but we've no idea if Toto will be reimbursing the outhouse rentals for those sans a backup commode.
