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Japanese hardware sales, July 28 - Aug. 3: Olympic observation edition
We're big fans of the 2008 Beijing Olympic games. Not because we're avid followers of swimming, or weightlifting, or badminton -- but because we like to believe that we live in a world where one country can achieve dominance over all the others by simply having more graceful and elegant gymnasts than their fellow nations. However, we're confused by the lack of decent ludological representation for the biyearly global pissing match test of athleticism. We've never been satisfied with a single Olympic video game -- be they realistic or adorable.Perhaps this is due to confusion on the developers behalf on how to actually create an Olympics-based title. The Olympics are, after all, an assortment of specialized, miniature games. How one could possibly craft an entire title around these ... minigames is completely beyond our comprehension. Perhaps that's why our favorite game based around the ancient tradition eschews the bonds of accuracy entirely. We speak, of course, of developer U.S. Gold's magnum opus, Izzy's Quest for the Olympic Rings. Seriously, who needs digital triathlons when you've got production values of that caliber?In news related to the actual purpose of this feature, the PSP once again takes home the gold this week -- though following last week's pattern, all of Sony's consoles took a sales hit while the others received a steady, if not minor, increase. Following four months of Sony superiority, could we be nearing a drastic change-up on the prestigious sales chart pedestal? Oh, wait -- we've got a better Olympic-themed metaphor: Could the PSP be ready to pass the torch? Better yet -- will the 360, in a Kerri Strug-esque show of persistence, secure a first place finish over the Russian gymnastics team, by which, of course, we mean the other consoles?- PSP: 61,181 6,271 (9.30%) - DS Lite: 57,398 430 (0.75%) - Wii: 41,109 85 (0.21%)- PS3: 9,508 1,184 (11.07%) - PS2: 9,045 246 (2.65%) - Xbox 360: 5,359 418 (8.46%) [Source: Media Create] See: The incredibly athletic archives
Japanese hardware sales, July 21 - July 27: Expansion edition
We've grown quite content to simply sit on our fat surpluses and crank out Japanese hardware sales charts to the enraptured masses week after week -- however, the all-important figures you see at the bottom of every entry seem to always get lost in a maelstrom of eloquent prose. We thought long and hard about how to improve the format of these posts without changing the time-tested formula that has served us so well over the years -- surprisingly, we decided to take a cue from the MMO market. Yes, after months of silent development, we're proud to announce the first ever expansion to this distinguished feature: Japanese Hardware Sales: Rise of the Lavender Fluke.This exciting addition is currently in ultra-secret closed epsilon testing, and the feedback we've been receiving has been entirely positive. Well, except for all the complaints, bug reports, vulgar e-mails, death threats, and one actual attempt on our lives. Aside from that, we're pretty optimistic that we can hit the Q1 2009 release date we set for ourselves -- though our development team mistook Q1 2009 to mean "one quinquennium from 2009", so it should actually be arriving sometime in 2014. Trust us, it's worth it.We've got the full list of updates and changes featured in JHS:RotLF posted after the jump. Make sure you check them out -- but not before paying your dues to the facts and figures posted below. We would hate for you to miss any of the excitement.- PSP: 67,452 6,572 (8.88%) - DS Lite: 56,968 2,437 (4.47%) - Wii: 41,024 221 (0.54%)- PS3: 10,692 561 (4.99%) - PS2: 9,291 244 (2.56%) - Xbox 360: 4,941 733 (17.42%) [Source: Media Create] See: The pre-expansion archives
Japanese hardware sales, July 14 - July 20: Turn-based edition
Video above provides suggested musical accompaniment for the following post. A wild Japanese Hardware Sales Chart attacks!Go, Fanboy!Fanboy uses Defense Force!Fanboy's DEF sharply increased!Sales Chart uses Red Arrows!It's not very effective...Fanboy uses Faulty Logic!Sales Chart counters with Embarrassing Correction!Fanboy self-destructs!I choose you, Developer!Developer uses Hype Beam!It's very effective!Sales Chart uses Green Arrows!Sales Chart regains health!Developer is counting down...Sales Chart uses Publisher!Publisher interrupts the countdown!Developer uses Big Reveal!But it fails...Sales Chart uses Negative Fan Reaction!Developer fainted!The enemy is weak, go get 'em, Blogger!Blogger uses Sarcatsic Post!Blogger made a typo!Sales Chart uses Angry Editor!It's super effective!Blogger uses an Ultra Ball!Blogger caught a Japanese Hardware Sales Chart! - PSP: 74,024 17,026 (29.87%) - DS Lite: 54,531 5,991 (12.34%) - Wii: 40,803 965 (2.31%)- PS3: 11,253 1,205 (9.67%) - PS2: 9,535 870 (8.36%) - Xbox 360: 4,208 401 (10.53%) [Source: Media Create] See: Would you like to rename the captured archives?
Japanese hardware sales, July 7 - July 13: Birth of gaming journalism edition
During the first few days of last week, Santa Monica, Calif. played host to a bevy of video game journalists, slaveringly searching for scoops to present to you, our dearest readers. Thousands of reporters representing hundreds of publications, both online and tangible, were in attendance, restlessly toiling to bring you up-to-the-minute coverage of all the major keynotes and conferences. During the seldom breaks in our otherwise hectic schedules, it was difficult not to reflect on our chosen profession, and inquire about the origins of our singular career path.After rigorous research, we here at the Japanese Hardware Sales Institute of Gaming Journalism History discovered the earliest known example of ludological reporting -- a fantastic exposé from an O'Reilly era episode of Inside Edition, which introduces a pair of pipefitting siblings that recently made their way into the hearts and minds of our nation's children. You may have seen this particular video before, and become familiar with reporter Joel Loy's intrepid coverage of the 8-bit sensation known as "Nintendo", and his poetic assertion that the iconic plumbers represent the righteousness and dauntlessness of the human spirit.Modern day game bloggers could take a lesson from the piece you see above. Sure, we no longer live in a world where bowties and mullets serve as appropriate work attire. Nintendo's game counselors have dispersed, putting the skills they've developed during their tenure to good use at Taco Bells across the nation. However, the exuberance and romanticism you see applied in the video above, the two traits that most game journalists have unceremoniously traded in for sarcasm and trepidation, should never have never been lost over the years.Kids and fantasy, indeed, Mr. O' Reilly.- PSP: 56,998 559 (0.99%) - DS Lite: 48,540 1,085 (2.29%) - Wii: 41,768 2,757 (6.19%)- PS3: 12,458 1,901 (13.24%) - PS2: 10,405 1,363 (11.58%) - Xbox 360: 3,807 969 (20.29%) [Source: Media Create] See: The mullet-clad archives
Japanese hardware sales, June 30 - July 6: E4 edition
Here's an amusing anecdote -- while all my fellow co-workers will be soaking up the sun and the overwhelming PR spin at E3 2008 during the next few days, I'll be the only 'Stiqer not in attendance. It's nobody's fault but my own, really -- due to an incident last year involving me, Jamie Kennedy, a claw hammer, and a stern threat to murder Jamie Kennedy with a claw hammer should he ever release a sequel to Son of the Mask (which I may have issued directly to Kennedy immediately following last year's Activision press conference), I'm no longer allowed to cross the state lines of California. (Side note: Has there been a Son of the Mask 2? No, there hasn't. You're welcome, America.)Don't weep for me, empathetic reader. My compatriots don't realize that while they'll be trolling for news in Santa Monica, I'll be attending a much more prestigious and exclusive convention -- so exclusive, in fact, that I'd wager you've never even heard of it. Yes, I'll be the only Joystiq blogger lucky enough to attend the Extreme Electronic Entertainment Expo (E4) -- in fact, I'll be the only member of the gaming media in attendance, as it is held in my apartment, and I was in charge of invitations.Actually, I may be the only person in attendance, as the only other two invitees (Darnell, the club-footed maintenance guy for my apartment building, and this cute cashier that works at a nearby Taco Bell) have yet to RSVP. C'est la vie -- the three day schedule I've written up (which I've included after the break to show the rest of the crew exactly what they're missing out on) will be carried out, come hell or high water, or, you know, loneliness.- PSP: 56,439 2,422 (4.11%) - DS Lite: 47,455 1,429 (2.92%) - Wii: 44,525 3,955 (8.16%)- PS3: 14,359 3,614 (20.11%) - PS2: 11,768 4,095 (53.37%) - Xbox 360: 4,776 328 (6.43%) [Source: Media Create] See: The uninvited archives
Japanese hardware sales, June 23 - June 29: Nineteen hundred and ninety-five edition
With the recent announcement and then following super double announcement of Square-Enix's plans to bring Chrono Trigger to this week's second place finisher, our minds began to to wander like a starry-eyed, formerly monastic governess, vacationing in the hills of Austria. If Squeenix can turn a 16-bit RPG from 1995 into a soon-to-be bestseller in 2008, what other 13-year-old franchises could we breathe new life into in order to turn a tidy profit?We immediately thought of Pogs, which swept the nation like a plague of circular cardboard locusts in the middle of the last decade -- after all, the obsession with collection hasn't waned in the minds of our nation's youngsters. Unfortunately, Archibald von Pogstein passed away last year, taking the secrets of Pog synthesis with him. We then turned our minds to music, and naturally, TLC's "Waterfalls", the official HIV and gun violence-related slow jam of 1995, came to mind. The Joystiq crew gathered to perform a breathtaking cover of the R&B classic -- unfortunately, we lost the master recordings shortly before distribution.We eventually settled on bringing back one of the top-grossing films of 1995, Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. Unfortunately, Mr. Carrey's reluctance to tarnish his new "serious" image by reprising his most beloved role brought the remake's production to a screeching halt. Instead, we're planning on making Ace Ventura quotes hilarious again by incessantly using them around friends and loved ones. We're sure we can find some way to parlay that into a get rich quick scheme -- aaalllllrighty then?- PSP: 58,861 490 (0.83%) - DS Lite: 48,884 12,285 (33.57%) - Wii: 48,480 7,443 (18.14%)- PS3: 17,973 2,363 (11.62%) - PS2: 7,673 1,327 (20.91%) - Xbox 360: 5,104 2,549 (99.77%) [Source: Media Create] See: Kinda hot these arrrchiiiives
Japanese hardware sales, June 16 - June 22: Summer blockbuster edition
With all the recent buzz surrounding big-budget film adaptations of major video game licenses, we began to wonder -- if films based off of games can find funding with movie production companies, why couldn't a film based off of a video game news column? As our minds began to race with thoughts of cross-promotional T-shirts and licensed cereals, we recklessly ran to our laptops, and wrote out a hasty plot synopsis for "Japanese Hardware Sales: The Movie". We're pretty proud of it, and the agent we hired at a local flea market is convinced we can eventually squeeze a trilogy out of the initial concept. Don't worry, gentle readers. We won't forget you when we make it to the big time.The still night air wafting over the Hardware district of the bustling metropolis of Salesbury, Japan, is punctuated with the crackle of gunfire. The town's many residents realize with a start that Sunday's midnight hour has come, and quickly retreat into their bullet-riddled homesteads. From the shadows of the city's seemingly endless alleyways emerge the six gangs who fight weekly for the unspoken control of Salesbury: the powerful reigning champs known as the "Park Street Pistols", the young and lively contenders known simply as "The Wii-vils", the once invincible "DoorStep Lighteners", the mercenaries of "The Third Order of Private Soldiers", their once-parent organization "The Second Order of Private Soldiers", and the mysterious, poorly-funded outfit known as "The Xterminators of 360th Street".Who will come out on top at the end of this four-hour-long cinematic masterwork? Only time, and the purchasing habits of the people of Japan, will tell. Starring Samuel L. Jackson as Coolidge, the leader of the Park Street Pistols; Kevin James as Archie, his carefree sidekick; Rose McGowan as Belladonna, the feisty captain of The Wii-vils, and a guy who kinda looks like Bruce Vilanch as the menacing "Red Arrow". - PSP: 59,351 5,324 (8.23%) - Wii: 41,037 4,527 (9.94%) - DS Lite: 36,599 2,602 (6.64%)- PS3: 20,336 54,975 (73.00%) - PS2: 6,346 951 (13.03%) - Xbox 360: 2,555 392 (18.12%) [Source: Media Create] See: The bullet-riddled archives
Japanese hardware sales, June 9 - June 15: C-C-C-C-Combo breaker edition
The gaming journalism world is an ever-changing maelstrom of high-stress deadlines and headline-making breaking news, so it should come as no surprise that we here at Joystiq absolutely adore routine. Like a freshly-fluffed down pillow, we find comfort in mundane repetition, as it so rarely comes our way. For nearly three months now, we've sat down to compile the sales figures of consoles in Japan, and as sure as the turning of the tide, Sony's gaming handheld would come out on top. It was a simplistic sort of routine, and one we found great solace in.Alas, this repetition is no more -- with the recent release of a particular cutscene-laden stealth title came an onslaught of PlayStation 3 purchases; a swell that billowed above the trustworthy handheld, cascading over its unsuspecting crown. Will the new king hold down the fort in the following weeks? It is too soon to tell, but regardless, the damage is done. The PS3 has burgled this week's link from the PSP's expansive chain -- and as any blacksmith worth his salt will tell you, a chain with a missing link is not a chain at all, but rather, multiple smaller chains. Unless that link was at the beginning or end of the chain, then we guess it's still a chain. Blacksmiths say that kind of stuff all the time.Yes, the c-c-c-c-combo is broken. It lies sundered, torn in twain -- as do our hearts. - PS3: 75,311 64,455 (593.73%) - PSP: 62,016 2,659 (4.29%) - Wii: 45,564 925 (2.07%) - DS Lite: 39,201 4,181 (11.94%) - PS2: 7,297 1,018 (16.21%) - Xbox 360: 2,163 117 (5.13%) [Source: Media Create] See: The chained archives
Japanese hardware sales, May 26 - June 1: Sales Chart Pie edition
Sales Chart Pie -- A decadent blend of several luxurious flavors piled high atop a hand-made crust and topped with a breathtakingly rich vanilla and cinnamon cremé. Decadently sinful and delciously rich with luxurious flavor.Step One: Assuming you have purchased graham crackers, crush graham crackers into a fine powder using a judge's gavel crafted from ebony and bone, or, if necessary, break the graham crackers apart with your hands. Moisten powder with liquid substance of your choosing. Rainwater, milk, Mountain Dew, Nyquil, Syrup of ipecac -- it's entirely up to you. The world, and this pie, is your oyster. (Editor's note: The author of this recipe strongly advises against using oysters to moisten powder).Step Two: Creating the thinnest slices possible, cut up fifty-eight apples, twelve watermelons, thirty-one mandarin oranges, sixteen lemons, three-hundred and sixty-six maraschino cherries, ninety-one strawberries, seven onions, two pumpkins, and a ping-pong ball. This should take three days, if your slices are thin enough. Now, throw these fruit slivers directly in the garbage. Begin regretting the incredible amount of time you've just wasted. Wait for this regret to become tangible. Mix regret into a fine syrup. Place in refrigerator to cool.Step Three: Obtain your moistened graham cracker powder and chilled regret, and place in garbage with fruit slivers. Go to grocery store. Buy pie created by certified piecrafter. Garnish purchased pastry with six green arrows, adding a dash of your own witty comments about how well your console of choice is faring in Japan. (Editor's note: Remove arrows before ingesting pie, as their triangular shape lends itself to tongue and gum-related trauma.) Enjoy! - PSP: 71,986 7,537 (11.69%) - Wii: 50,851 1,804 (3.68%) - DS Lite: 38,355 951 (2.54%) - PS3: 9,169 98 (1.08%) - PS2: 7,203 14 (0.19%) - Xbox 360: 1,959 12 (0.62%) [Source: Media Create] See: The luxuriously decadent archives
Japanese hardware sales, May 19 - May 25: Summertime edition
In the immortal words of George Gershwin, it's summertime, and the living is fairly easy in Japan -- at least, that's what we're led to believe by this week's Japanese sales charts, as our far eastern friends have sworn off their daily career-related obligations, and begun purchasing gaming consoles with ferocious avarice. Sure, you could argue that summer doesn't officially begin for a few weeks, but our full-blast air conditioners and sheets, turned adhesive from a night of sweaty sleep, might convince you otherwise.Unfortunately for us video game media mavens, the summer is often the most unpleasant of our Earth's four seasons. While the rest of you follow the instructions of the Freshest Prince, we're not fortunate enough to spend our days frontin', maxin', waxin', or relaxin' -- no, our former vacation days will be spent on the long, lonesome road as we bounce between conventions and expos in our tireless search for precious scoops -- by which, of course, we mean news stories, and not delicious snack chips. If only!So as you ride around in your Jeep or your Benzos (or in your Nissan, sitting on Lorenzos), spare a thought for your beloved bloggers on the road. Pour some of your finest lemonade onto the pavement at your feet in our honor. As it sinks into the cracks of the driveway, reflect on the unhealthy dependence on us that you've developed, and apologize to the ant colony you've just drowned. - PSP: 64,449 6,087 (8.63%) - Wii: 49,047 7,475 (17.98%) - DS Lite: 37,404 2,499 (7.16%) - PS3: 9,071 1,730 (17.79%) - PS2: 7,189 167 (2.38%) - Xbox 360: 1,947 473 (32.09%) [Source: Media Create] See: The Freshest archives
Japanese hardware sales, May 12 - May 18: Dj vu edition
PSP. Wii. DS Lite. PS3. PS2. Xbox 360. Much like the enigmatic sequence of numbers from "Lost", we can't seem to escape this series of console eponyms. With only minor variations to the lineup (mainly a position switch between Nintendo systems), that's been the pecking order for console sales in Japan for nearly two months. Sure, you could rationalize that fact by pointing out that Monster Hunter Portable 2nd G is still selling like gold-plated Pocky, or that everyone in Japan already owns three or four DS Lites, or that most games released on the 360 don't really appeal to Japanese gamers -- but we know there's something more sinister at work.Could this seemingly innocuous pattern actually herald the movements of our discreet mechanical overlords, as revealed in "The Matrix"? Could Japan be stuck in some kind of temporal rift, causing them to repeat one week over and over again? Or could it be simpler than that -- perhaps the nation of Japan is trying to send us, the trackers of their sales charts, some sort of code. Let's see... "Pallid Westerners, Don't Listen to the Putrid Production of Xanadu." No, that can't be it -- everyone already knows to avoid that nightmare-on-rollerskates. What about "Porpoises and Whales Delight in Leaving Private Pictures in our Xeroxes." No, sea creatures aren't known for acts of office vulgarity.Oh, wait a minute, we think we've cracked it: "Please, We Don't Like Purchasing or Playing Xbox 360s." Well of course you don't! We didn't need to go all Robert Langdon to glean that valuable piece of information! - PSP: 70,536 19,348 (21.53%) - Wii: 41,572 25,736 (38.24%) - DS Lite: 34,905 16,323 (31.86%) - PS3: 7,701 353 (4.38%) - PS2: 7,022 422 (5.92%) - Xbox 360: 1,474 196 (13.56%) [Source: Media Create] See: The familiar archives
Japanese hardware sales, May 5 - May 11: He no nuts, he's crazy edition
The above video may seem out of place on this humble blog at first glance, but we assure you, we have our reasons for including it in this edition of the Japanese Hardware Sales:1. It's probably viral marketing for either the release of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" or the equally hyped but arguably more adorable Lego Indiana Jones (though hordes of Shia-lovers would vehemently disagree with that last statement). Either way, our excitement for the next entry in one of our most beloved film franchises rivals our anticipation to melt some Lego Nazi faces, so we thought it an appropriate measure to stoke the fires of our own over-hyped hearts.2. The idea of a six-ton Lego boulder recklessly cascading down a city street serves as adequate symbolism for this week's charts -- coming off of last week's universal sales hike, this week's thorough downpointery is downright depressing. Should this Chutes and Ladders-esque pattern of sales explosions followed by seeming droughts continue in the coming weeks, we'll be giving some serious consideration to entering the Japanese console stock market, if such a thing exists.3. Literally no other event over the past week or next was worth lampooning. Seriously, nothing. What, want us to poke fun at the West Virginia primary election? A vicious satirization of We Ski? Some humorous commentary concerning the season finale for America's Next Top Model? Our better judgment placed "giant Lego boulder" over "Tyra Banks-related humor" -- a decision we will stand by to our graves, urns, and cryogenic biostasis chambers. - PSP: 89,884 10,986 (10.89%) - Wii: 67,308 4,210 (5.89%) - DS Lite: 51,228 1,314 (2.50%) - PS3: 8,054 2,123 (20.86%) - PS2: 7,464 1,338 (15.20%) - Xbox 360: 1,298 427 (24.75%) [Source: Media Create] See: The raiders of the lost archives
Japanese hardware sales, April 28 - May 4: Mothers in gaming edition
As today is a nationally recognized day of matronly appreciation, I thought it appropriate to recognize some of the prevalent mama's in video gaming in this edition of the JHS. No, not the real-life mothers of game industry icons, though we certainly appreciate the progenial contributions that Mrs. Molyneux and Miyamoto-san have made to the planet -- we're talking about the digital mommies of our favorite video game characters. So here's to you, Jenova. You may not have carried Sephiroth in your extraterrestrial womb (birthing that Masamune-wielding badass would have been truly uncomfortable), but here at Joystiq HQ, we count test-tube babies as actual human beings. Also, kudos to the minigun-toting Barret Wallace. Despite being of the male persuasion, Barret did have a daughter, and was, in fact, a baaaaaad mother (shut yo' mouth)! I'm only talking about Barret! (We can dig it.) Then, of course, is the quintessential "Mom" from the Pokémon series. Provider of running shoes, setter of date and time, and in certain installments, banker -- Pokémom is certainly the most useful parent ever featured in any gaming franchise. However, there's something to be said of the biomechanical oversight provided by Metroid's Mother Brain. Many mothers have trouble managing one household -- this encapsulated vixen keeps tabs on an entire planet. As you find yourself awash in the emerald glow of the following upward-pointers, why not take a moment to share your appreciation for your favorite digital maternal unit -- and then, of course, your own female progenitor. You know she worries. - PSP: 100,870 8,459 (9.15%) - Wii: 71,158 22,722 (46.57%) - DS Lite: 52,542 10,107 (23.82%) - PS3: 10,177 1,070 (11.75%) - PS2: 8,802 1,694 (23.83%) - Xbox 360: 1,725 442 (34.45%) [Source: Media Create] See: The matronly archives
Japanese hardware sales, April 14 - April 20: Endangered edition
As the devious rapscallions who skip to the figures every week already know, the nation of Japan (and indirectly, the entire planet) is facing a dire emergency. No, not overpopulation, or global warming, or the biodiversity crisis -- I speak, of course, of the pending disappearance of all video game consoles from the face of the Earth, clearly evidenced by this week's underwhelming sales charts.These lackluster sales figures couldn't possibly represent a decline in the ludological avarice of the Japanese people -- so what could be the cause for all the downpointery? Mankind's interference in the natural habitat of these illustrious creatures? Some sort of self-destructive behavior? Scientists and industry analysts are working around the clock to solve this dilemma before the gaming ecosystem collapses upon itself, leaving humanity with just one method of self-entertainment: Ball in a Cup. However, cheap Ball in a Cup knock-offs will surely follow, leading to the inevitable crash of the Ball in a Cup market, at which point we'll really be screwed. To help prevent this near-certain extinction, the Joystiq crew has begun organizing "Console Aid 2008", a summer concert series that will sweep through the Pacific Northwest like a philanthropic plague. With headliners such as Tay Zonday, Rick Astley, O' Reely n' teh Buckets, and (obligatorily) U2, we're sure to garner millions in ticket sales -- a breathtakingly charitable 4 percent of which will go toward the Video Game Preservation Fund. What? Blogger's gotta eat. - PSP: 85,421 300 (0.35%)- DS Lite: 44,551 2,607 (5.53%) - Wii: 44,241 2,055 (4.44%) - PS3: 7,438 794 (9.65%) - PS2: 6,545 289 (4.23%) - Xbox 360: 1,076 71 (6.19%) [Source: Media Create]See: The dwindling archives
Japanese hardware sales, April 7 - April 13: Choose your own adventure edition
Your heart pounds like a blown-out speaker as you riffle through your trusty Infinideep Knapsack -- as would any other heart unfortunate enough to find itself in the chest of someone currently occupying the lair of a Slavering Fangbeast. Your trusty Bacon Helmet, bought for a small fortune from Ozz Ennennz, Master Retailer of Mystickal Meatcrafts and Armories, did not seem to make you invisible to the furious creature's eyes, as the duplicitous merchant had promised -- rather, it would seem the beast had taken a keen interest in your pork fat chapeau. With the Fangbeast's breath upon your nape, you know you only have seconds to act... To draw your Sunsteel Elfblade and strike at the Slavering Fangbeast's throat, skip to paragraph A! To read aloud the mystical "Fireglaive" spellscroll, skip to paragraph B! A. The creature affords you just enough time to draw your Sunsteel Elfblade from its obsidian scabbard. As you rear back your stabbin' arm, you falter as you search for the Fangbeast's throat. If only you had taken that Xenobiologic Anatomy 101 course at Ye Olde Harvarde, you would have known that Fangbeasts of the Slavering variety do not possess throats, but instead, extra teeth. As the creature closes his meaty jaws around you, you curse the day you decided to major in Art History. The End.B. Flinging your Bacon Helmet into the monster's saliva-flooded maw, you retreat to a well-lit corner of the room, and withdraw the mighty "Fireglaive" spellscroll, the same piece of mystical parchment that had gotten you out of many a similar predicament. As the beast finishes its fashionable snack, you don your reading glasses, then read aloud the mystical runes scribbled onto the surface of that sacred text:"- PSP: 85,721 35,243 (29.14%)- DS Lite: 47,1588,032 (14.55%) - Wii: 46,296 1,678 (3.76%) - PS3: 8,232 3,071 (27.17%) - PS2: 6,834 3,589 (34.43%) - Xbox 360: 1,147 305 (21.01%)."You realize (with terror) that you recently let your brother, Purvis the Adequate, borrow ol' "Fireglaive" to clear out a rather bothersome termite infestation in his thatched roof cottage. The Fangbeast makes a brief, snarky comment about how the Japanese have apparently stopped playing video games, then returns to the task of unhinging his jaw, and swallowing you whole. The End. [Source: Media Create]See: The slavering archives
Japanese hardware sales, March 31 - April 6: Bad, Bad Company edition
The numbers and arrows were quite bland this week -- all systems kept their same rankings, with only minor shifts throughout. The PSP remained in its throne (lovingly crafted by the recently released Japanese mega-hit Monster Hunter Portable 2 G) and the 360 was surpassed in sales, briefly yet unexpectedly, by the Virtual Boy. Now, with all that obligatory industry chatter out of the way, we can focus on a much more important enterprise -- our boycott of Bad Company.We've all got our own reasons for hating the Brit-rock supergroup -- they kidnapped a charter member of the underground posterband Mott the Hoople, after all, and they've stolen countless girlfriends using their glistening manes and outrageously tight pants -- but it's their insipid interjection of their own band name into their chart-topping singles that really gets our dander irrevocably up. We thought our copy of iTunes had a vicious stuttering problem when it told us we were listening to "Bad Company" by the band Bad Company off the album "Bad Company", and we had to put it down. That blood is on your hands, Rodgers.We hope you'll offer your support for our righteous cause, and swear off those angel-voiced monsters. No more purchases of (unlikely) further albums. No more costly concerts. No more performances of "Feel Like Makin' Love" at local open mic venues. It'll be a hard war to wage, but with your support, we're confident that we can put these conceited bastards in their place. - PSP: 120,964 9,022 (6.94%)- DS Lite: 55,190 3,726 (6.32%) - Wii: 44,618 4,167 (8.54%) - PS3: 11,303 97 (0.87%) - PS2: 10,423 127 (1.23%) - Xbox 360: 1,452 95 (6.14%) [Source: Media Create]See: The Straight Shootin' archives
Japanese hardware sales, March 24 - March 30: The Omega Man Memorial edition
If this is the first you're hearing of it, allow us to apologize for putting a possible damper on your day -- Charlton Heston, former president of the National Rifle Association and star of "The Omega Man", "Planet of the Apes", and a plethora of other man-tastic films, passed away at the age of 84 last night. Regardless of your opinion of his fevered 2nd Amendment support, let's all take a moment to remember Charlton Heston, the actor.From his iconic portrayal of Moses in "The Ten Commandments" to his unforgettable performance in the dystopian sci-fi classic "Soylent Green", and, lest we forget, his tear-jerking cameo in "Wayne's World 2", Heston was one of the most important figures in modern American cinema -- a pillar of the post-Golden Age of Hollywood. We'd like to encourage everyone to take a moment to shout out their favorite Heston-ism, no matter where you might be as you read this. He'd probably prefer a 21-gun salute, but it's the best we can do, for now.With that somber farewell behind us, we can move on to our own dystopian future -- one where the PSP, riding a Monster Hunter Portable 2 G-flavored wave of popularity, nearly outsells every other console combined. That's not a bad thing, mind you -- just an unforeseen shift in momentum, seeing as how a year ago, the handheld market was quite reversed. As you ponder whether Japan has slipped into a parallel universe, here's a massive pot of number n' arrow stew.- PSP: 129,986 70,153 (117.25%)- DS Lite: 58,916 6,139 (9.44%) - Wii: 48,785 13,619 (21.82%) - PS3: 11,206 1,668 (12.96%) - PS2: 10,296 366 (3.69%) - Xbox 360: 1,547 197 (11.30%) [Source: Media Create]See: The damn, dirty archives
PSP enjoys 'Monster' success in Japan
And it would have outsold all of the competition combined if it weren't for that pesky Xbox 360 contributing 1,547 units to the tally. The number the other systems had to defeat was 129,986, the number of PSPs sold in Japan last week according to the compulsive counters at Media Create. Nintendo's DS occupied the second place in the chart with 58,916 sold -- less than half of that managed by the PSP.The system's monster success arrives hand-in-hand with Capcom's Monster Hunter Freedom 2 G, which sold 880,468 copies in its first week. Capcom revealed earlier this week that it had already shipped over a million units of the PSP expansion in an attempt to satiate the demand for "epic battles with giant monsters."
Japanese Hardware Sales, March 17 - March 23: Three-hour tour edition
BEGIN TRANSMISSIONIt's been six days since our departure on our trusty oil tanker, the S.S. Ivan Drago, for the first annual (and last annual, presumably) Joystiq Spring Break Retreat STOP In a Paskowitzian show of patronly affection, our fearless leader opted out of the traditional beach-bound vacation, deciding it would be better a life experience for us to set out on the Big Blue in search of Black Gold STOP It's a decision we're sure he started to regret around the time a pod of enraged narwhals (with incredibly poor navigation skills) began repeatedly impaling our proud vessel with their unforgiving tusks STOPWe managed to make it to the shore of a long-deserted isle with only a few bags of Pretzel Flipz and an old-timey Telex machine, which Ross managed to modify using sand, coconut husks, and supplies from a nearby RadioShack so that we may carry out our daily posting duties STOP It's the only thing that's keeping us from turning on one another -- that, and the hope that one day, we will exact our revenge on those loathsome, mutant devil whales STOPIn topics not relating to sea mammal vengeance, this week saw the DS Lite reclaiming the throne it became so familiar with throughout most of last year, and the Wii picking up the slack it seemed to have dropped in recent weeks -- though the PSP's continued sales growth shows no signs of STOP ping STOP Wait, dammit STOP Can I start over STOP- DS Lite: 65,055 11,789 (22.13%) - Wii: 62,404 6,559 (11.75%)- PSP: 59,833 2,182 (3.78%) - PS3: 12,874 2,060 (13.79%) - PS2: 9,930 60 (0.60%) - Xbox 360: 1,744 337 (19.32%) [Source: Media Create]See: The shipwrecked archives
Japanese hardware sales, March 10 - March 16: The Great Egg Hunt edition
Update: The hunt is complete! Reader GoldenS1104 was the first gumshoe to spot the three eggs (answers can be viewed after the jump, though the eggs have been removed) and will receive an extra special Brush on the upcoming podcast. Congratulations, Golden, and thanks to all who participated!We're sure that many of you currently lay in a Whopper-fueled stupor, unable to will your appendages to lift themselves off of the ground -- but perhaps we could entice you to jump into action for a worthy reward. You see, hidden inside of three posts over the past two months are tiny Easter eggs, just aching to be found by an avid Joystiq reader. The first person to find all three and leave a comment containing the headlines of the stories where the eggs were located wins a prize more valuable than gold -- a B-B-B-Brush with Fame on the next Joystiq Podcast. We've got hints after the jump -- Let the hunt begin!Those who haven't set off in a headstrong search for fame and glory know that true happiness comes from knowing what consoles sold the most in Japan last week. No real shockers from this edition -- the handheld market is continuing to boom, with the PSP dominating overall (though the DS is beginning to nip at its heels), and the 360 is selling at N-Gage-esque speeds.- PSP: 57,651 3,727 (6.91%)- Wii: 55,845 1,223 (2.14%)- DS Lite: 53,266 4,608 (9.47%) - PS3: 14,934 6,074 (28.91%) - PS2: 9,930 499 (4.78%) - Xbox 360: 1,744 1,147 (39.67%)- Cadbury Creme Eggs: 32,441 2,298 (7.08%) [Source: Media Create]See: The Hippity-Hoppity archives
