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The Perfect Ten: Excuses for ditching a dungeon run (from least to most insane)
I never knew I suffered from narcolepsy before I started playing MMOs, but it only took a few late-night dungeon-runs before I started to experience extremely rapid transitions between being an active member of my team and snoring somewhere in the vicinity of the WASD keys. I'm not saying that all dungeons are boring or anything, but rather that when you start one, you've kind of committed to seeing it through (unless you're the jerk who always teams up with me through the LFG tool). Unfortunately, that means you're locked into an unknowable span of time during which narcolepsy, hunger, and brilliant flashes of insight about how to cure Chronic Giggling Syndrome (CGS) can strike. What can you do? Usually, nothing other than to suffer through the slow plodding of your four other ball-and-chains and start burning small sacrifices to your deity of choice in hopes that this run will end soon. Or you can pull out an excuse and get out of Dodge. I'm not saying you should use these every night -- you will build up a very negative reputation, quickly, if you do so -- but sometimes you just need an escape hatch so you can go sleep, eat or call the CGS laboratories in Albuquerque. That's what I'm here to help you with today by providing 10 tested excuses to ditching that disastrous dungeon run and getting on with your life.
The Perfect Ten: Pirates ahoy!
Fantasy pirates: Love 'em or hate 'em, they're deeply ingrained in geek culture to the point that they're almost impossible to dislodge. This past Monday was International Talk Like a Pirate Day, when everyone's inner pirate was encouraged to "Arr!" heartily, look for treasure in long-forgotten places, and embrace the fashion style of bandanas and eyepatches. It seemed like a perfect week, therefore, to look at piratey life in MMOs. From entire games to mere outfits and from the token pirate union that has a chapter in each game to delusional madmen, this list aims to sate the swagger of keyboard swashbucklers. It's a testament to the pirate phenomenon that most developers can't help but include a buccaneer or two, even if the setting isn't always asking for it -- a phenomenon even the U.S. Navy has accepted. Hit the jump to start, and sail straight on 'til morning!
The Perfect Ten: Non-vanilla server rulesets
I've always thought that rulesets are a golden opportunity for MMO developers to get creative with their products and try something fresh and exciting. Unfortunately, most every MMO these days, new and old, adheres to the four "vanilla" rulesets that have been in place since Pong. You have your default PvE, your same-as-PvE-except-we-have-a-naming-policy PvE-RP, and the two player vs. player variants: PvP and PvP-RP. Those are all well and good, but... y'know... couldn't rulesets be used to create fascinating variations on these games? It turns out that yes, yes they can. While the vanilla rulesets are the vast majority, there does exist a group of fringe rulesets that dared to walk the different patch, er, path and made versions of MMOs that are a bold and refreshing flavor. Like blue! Sometimes these new rulesets were whipped up to inject new life into an aging title, giving players a valid reason to come back and see the game from a different perspective. In this week's Perfect Ten, we're going to check out just how wild 'n' wacky server rulesets can get!
The Perfect Ten: How to deal with burnout
I remember the first time I got hit hard by the powerhouse slugger known as "burnout." It was during my second stint in World of Warcraft, oddly enough, which by then had extended to a year and a half of solid play. I was clocking in three to five hours of game time on a daily basis (this was my pre-children era, obviously) and enjoying the cruise up through The Burning Crusade's content. Then one day, out of the blue, I realized I was sick of it. A cold trickle flowed down my spine as I couldn't conjure up any feelings of excitement, pleasure, or interest in this game. All of the accomplishments and achievements I had worked so hard to get became absolutely meaningless to me in the space of a couple minutes. I logged out, canceled my account, and then fell into a several-day funk when I was thrashing about as I tried to figure out how to fill this now-gaping void in my free time. Slightly pathetic, yes, but no less real for it. In retrospect, I see how I stacked the deck for such an enormous crash, and many years after it, I now have a much better handle on how to deal with burnout than I did back then. In today's Perfect Ten, I want to pass along my meager wisdom and experience about how to deal with this event... because it happens to most of us, sooner or later.
The Perfect Ten: Why Elves are the scourge of MMOs
Astute readers of Massively or my personal blog Bio Break are probably quite familiar with my blatant prejudice against all things Elf. I hate Elves and everything for which they stand. And nowhere does this hatred blossom more brightly than in the fertile fields of MMOs. As the axiom goes, where there is fantasy, there are Elves. Blame J.R.R. Tolkien for popularizing a race of what used to be cookie and Santa helpers. Almost overnight Elves became in vogue in geek culture, and efforts to root them out with flamethrowers have been in vain. Any fantasy MMO that is announced is required, by some arcane law that can only be broken with the blood of a virgin god, to include Elves as a racial choice -- or, if the developers are feeling particularly sadistic, more than one choice. Wood, night, blood, dark, light, mystical -- take your pick. There are plenty of Elves for everyone! Well, I'm not having it. Elves don't get a free pass on my watch, and I'm not afraid to stand up to the powerful Pro-Elf lobby and nail my 10 theses as to why Elves suck on the doors of this blog. Consider your pointy ears on notice, you woodland freaks -- the jig is up!
The Perfect Ten: MMO mascots
Everyone knows that a good mascot can make a difference between a video game's death and rabid popularity. Mario, Master Chief, Duke Nuke 'Em, Pac-Man, Samus Aran, Pyramid Head -- each one of these mascots isn't merely an aspect of the game, they are the virtual spokesperson (or spokesthing) which represents the game itself. Yet when you think about it, MMOs have had a tougher time producing mascots than other video game genres, partially because unlike other games, you don't play as the mascots, and partially because when you have a cast of thousands of NPCs, picking out one to elevate above the rest is a difficult job. Difficult, that is, but not impossible. Today we're going to look at ten MMO mascots (MMOscots?) that studios have tried to promote as the face of these games, to varying degrees of success.
The Perfect Ten: Reasons to go back to older MMOs
When one MMO dies, it forces us to look at the rest of the bunch through the sunglasses of mortality. Games we didn't think twice about last week suddenly gain new relevance as we try to imagine a post-apocalyptic world where they cease to exist. I've always thought that our hobby is built on a shared illusion, one by which we all just pretend that these games will go on indefinitely, but that's not really the case. As I try to pull us out of the tailspin depression of the previous paragraph, let me say that the finite nature of MMO lifespans shouldn't deter us from getting involved in them; on the contrary, it should make what they do and what they are that much more precious to us -- precious like a little show dog that we pet obsessively or an all-powerful ring forged in the fires of Mount Doom and given to completely clueless gardeners for safekeeping. In fact, I think this is the perfect time -- summertime -- to give older MMOs a try, and I'm willing to argue that while wearing my best white suspenders and southern drawl. If it please the gentlemen and ladies of the court, here are 10 reasons why we should go back to the MMOs of yore.
The Perfect Ten: Unusual MMO weapons
Swords. Staffs. Maces. Spears. Wands. Bows. Crossbows. Double-crossbows. Hammers. Wolverine claws. Daggers. Axes. Deadly? Yes. Fashionable? Not so much. I mean, really. A two-handed sword is so 1299. Now, a deep dish Chicago-style pizza with the works flung into an enemy's gullet -- that's progressive thinking! Because I'm deeply bored with the usual suspects in most MMO armories, I wanted to spend a day praising devs who said, "Screw it. We're going weird, and we're not going to regret it, even when our bosses call us into their offices demanding why such lunacy ended up in a professional game." So forget everything you think you know about weapons because your pitiful armament has yet to scratch the surface of the wild, wild universe of things that can be used to kill you in game. This Perfect Ten column is sponsored by Grizzly Bear Rocket Launchers, Ltd. after the jump.
The Perfect Ten: Sequelitis
As a long-time movie buff, I've always been fascinated by sequels. I know, they have a terrible reputation and everyone gets this face like he's digesting a porcupine when discussing them, but there's something fun about them as well. I think we always want a good story to continue, to see what happens next, and to answer the question, "What would the first film be like if it were put in the hands of a complete boob?" It would be an entertaining trainwreck, that's what. Even though the MMORPG genre is in its toddler stage, it's seen a number of sequels, prequels and spin-offs, just the same as other types of entertainment. Video game sequels for hit titles are safer financial investments than striking out into new territory, so it makes sense that MMO studios would follow this pattern as well. Right now there are loads of MMO sequels and spin-offs in the works -- including EverQuest Next, PlanetSide Next, Guild Wars 2, Mabinogi 2, MapleStory 2, Phantasy Star Online 2, Dust 514, and even a possible Ultima Online sequel -- so it's safe to say that the trend won't be dying down anytime soon. However, today I want to look at 10 sequels that already made it to release and briefly examine how they stacked up to their predecessors. Oh yes, there will be blood after the jump -- and I will drink your milkshake!
The Perfect Ten: MMO forum terms beaten to death
If there's one aspect of MMO culture that I have difficulty saying anything positive about, it would have to be the official forum. No matter how well-moderated and well-intentioned studio forums may be, they're essentially giant signs broadcasting "COME WHINE HERE!" When you witness a 500-page thread that's responding to a badly spelled rant about a nerf we'll all forget about in a month's time, it's hard not to break down and weep at the time and energy lost to such trivial stupidity. And with the forums -- and to a lesser extent, comments on blogs, Twitter, and telegraphs -- comes a shocking array of linguistic conformity. You see, when people are upset or eager to prove a point, they have no time to sit down and calmly think of a way to fully communicate their perspectives. No time! Instead, they reach deep into the well of the same overused words and phrases, give them a hearty kick in the direction of their post, and feel as though they've conjured up a masterful work of literature. So today I'm going to exorcise 10 of the most overused, abused, and tired forum terms seen daily in your local MMO forum. Then I will move on with my life and suggest you do the same.
The Perfect Ten: Death penalties
Death penalties belong in that tier of MMO discussion topics that is reserved for the most controversial subjects, along with skimpy armor and the New Game Enhancements. Death, as we know well, comes for us all with big, nasty, pointy teeth. But for some reason, we are not fans of it, neither in real life nor in online games. One of the reasons death penalties continue to be a divisive subject is that they used to be brutal beyond belief in MMOs back in the olden days of yore. As the MMO genre progressed, the penalties were lightened and experimented with in an effort to avoid driving players barking mad because of them. So we've ended up with two camps: one group of gamers who campaign for harsh death penalties to make the world seem exciting and dangerous, and another group that campaigns for lenient penalties in the interests of sanity. So today we're going to go through 10 of the most-used types of death penalties in MMOs, starting with the most brutal and ending with the most lenient. Stay for the after-column party as well, as you'll get a taste for this debate in the comments section!
The Perfect Ten: The secret lives of NPCs
It is fun, I've decided, to overthink things in life. This is especially relevant in MMOs, where we've long since taken absolutely bizarre staples as the accepted status quo. Sure, it's all polite fiction that allows developers to merge necessary game mechanics with a veneer of credibility, but many elements of MMOs simply fall apart when put under the microscope. Case in point, the NPC. Is there a figure in online games that more symbolizes the thin barrier between the server database and user playerbase than the non-player character? NPCs exist to fill the world with warm bodies so that places don't feel empty, yet they also exhibit no more life than a mannequin with a tape recorder strapped to its back. These cardboard cutouts of the MMO scene are either reanimated corpses struggling to remember basic quest-giving instructions, or else they're prisoners of a foul witch who has struck the entire land with a paralyzing spell. So even though it's 2011 and you'd think that NPCs would be showing us more signs of life than swiveling slightly when we approach, I'm happy to jump in and offer my opinion as to the secret life of these figures. What makes them tick? What do they get out of helping -- and prodding -- us into action? Why don't they ever sleep or use the bathroom? Just who are these people we encounter and dismiss every day?
The Perfect Ten: Phases of pre-launch hysteria
One of my private theories about MMO players -- one I'm now making public -- is that we all have the collective memories of goldfish. It's the only way to explain why we go through the same exact phases each and every time an MMO nears launch, all the while acting as though this has never happened before. In a way, it's kind of cute. You're cute, MMO community! Really, it's just one of those events during which everyone starts rational yet slowly but surely slides down into the multi-colored stomach of hysteria. It's why MMO communities pre-beta tend to be tight, intelligent and excited, but from beta through launch they lose their cool and become a morass of screeching monkeys, flinging poo every which way in a vain effort to be heard above the noise of the zoo. Mind you, I've been one of these monkeys, so I'm not excusing myself from this metaphor. So if you're wondering why the blissful excitement of anticipating a game has fractured under the weight of inconsolable insanity, I'm here to walk you through the 10 phases of how and why this happens for most major MMO launches.
The Perfect Ten: The evolution of /dance
I recall when I was a wee... teenager and C+C Music Factory would blast through our Walkmans to demand that everybody (1) dance and (2) dance now. It was commanding, enthralling and extremely dorky, but the dance could not be denied. Dancing is in the soles of our souls as humans; we simply must boogie to a good beat. I'm not quite sure when or where dancing in MMOs became all the craze, but these days it seems as though every game (except the dour ones with bears, bears, bears) prides itself on a good set of /dance emotes. For some players, it's the perfect way to unwind after a long raid or chew up a bit of time while one waits for SgtCuddlyMonkey to return from his refreshing bio break. For others, it's a legitimate career path with a long and distinguished history of gyrating on top of mailboxes while annoyed postal recipients long for a day when a pelvis will not be gesturing at eye level. So this week, let's loosen up, let our hair down, and samba across the ballroom floor as we count down (up?) 10 incredible MMO dances.
The Perfect Ten: The 10 people you meet in MMO hell
"Hell is other people," the jaunty Jean-Paul Sartre wrote in No Exit. In this play, three characters are locked together in a small room, where they gradually realize that they are there to torment each other for all of eternity. Plus, there are no toilets, and that's going to get unpleasant fast. It's fun for the whole family -- get your tickets today! We've all met folks in game who leave an unpleasant taste in our mouths for a long time after. With the all of the good of social games comes the seedy underbelly (henceforth referred to as "Camden, New Jersey"), and for every stellar soul you connect with, there is another lying in wait to destroy your day. If MMO heaven is full of supportive guildies and grammatically correct chat channels, then think of MMO hell as a pick-up group gone horribly awry as you run a dungeon that never ends, a dungeon you can never quit. While we'd never voluntarily go to MMO hell, it was inevitable that some of its denizens have escaped to walk amongst us in our games even today. Who are these nefarious devils? Hit the jump to find out!
The Perfect Ten: The movers and shakers of 2010
Even though MMOs are the products of great teams of talented workers -- from sound artists to writers -- it's inevitable that a few of the people behind the curtain step out into the limelight. It's a smart move, really; it provides a personal face for people to associate with the game, it keeps messages consistent, and it draws any potential hate onto one person instead of the team at large. It stands to reason that these public figures end up being some of the major movers and shakers in the industry because of their high-profile positions. From CEOs to community managers, these are the people with power to make decisions, the voice to change opinions, and the personalities to inspire millions. Oh, that last sentence is pure poetry. Let's re-read it again, shall we? So in our last Perfect Ten of the year, I've asked the Massively team to compile a list of the 10 biggest MMO movers and shakers of this year. All of these people now owe us cupcakes of gratitude. (Legal Disclaimer: This does not signify a binding cupcake-blogger contract.)
The Perfect Ten: MMO cataclysms
Today sees the launch of World of Warcraft: Cataclysm, which represents a destructive "reboot" button on the world of Azeroth. The old has been made new by virtue of fiery explosions that have rent the very earth in twain, and WoW gamers will have to find their footing all over again. As you might imagine, it's made one big-ass mess, which is compounded by the fact that there are no janitor classes in the game to sweep it up (the next hero class, perhaps?). However, the notion of an in-game cataclysm is hardly the sole domain of Activision-Blizzard; on the contrary, large-scale apocalypses pop up all the time in MMOs. After all, nothing grabs the attention like the end of the world (but hey, you still feel fine)! In a list that in no way is meant to capitalize on any expansions that may or may not be on the market, we're going to strap on our Kevlar suits, slather our arms with 1000 SPF sunblock, and take a brief tour of 10 worlds that have dated cataclysms -- and lived to tell the tale.
The Perfect Ten: The sadistic shopper's list for Black Friday and Cyber Monday
With the holiday shopping season upon us, gamers are hot for great deals and cheap entertainment. As my wife's logic goes, if something is 80% off, you buy it, even if you didn't really want it in the first place. It's the principle of the thing, an automatic 80% dose of smug satisfaction at being a savvy shopper! Not every deal should be pursued, however. Although most video games are playable for years and decades after release, not so with MMOs that have had their service shuttered. It's recently come to my attention that even though these games are completely unplayable -- rendered nothing more than a few cents' worth of a DVD and cardboard packaging -- online retailers haven't kept up with the times and keep these products on the virtual shelves long past their expiration dates. That's not to say you should avoid these products at all cost, because studies show that a large percentage of Massively readers have a sick and twisted sense of humor. What would make a better gift this Christmas than a multi-million-dollar-budget MMO that died a horrible death years before? So don't be the typical gifter who settles for a Blu-ray player or an iPod -- give a package of misery, disillusionment and broken dreams! Hit the jump for 10 items that absolutely belong in your shopping cart if you wish to be feared!
The Perfect Ten: Weird staples of every fantasy MMO
If you take some weird, outlandish, or out-of-the-ordinary item and then saturate your life with it, sooner or later the bizarre becomes the accepted norm. So much so, in fact, that you'd cease to even think about it. I mean, do we ever question those magic boxes known as "microwaves" that mysteriously heat up our foods? Does anyone blink twice anymore when small computers tell us how to drive instead of nagging spouses? What about Carrot Top? Likewise, fantasy MMORPGs have erected trope after trope that we no longer question -- or even notice. Actually, the only time we'd notice one of these is if a game failed to include it. No matter how illogical and sometimes silly these MMO staples are when you think about them, we've been around them so long that we would no more notice them as we would the individual keyboard buttons that we type on daily. Still... you're thinking about them right now, aren't you? Those keys, cruelly dominated by your pecking fingers, pushing them back into place. What a techno-bully you are! In any case, come with us as we count down 10 weird staples that every fantasy MMO seems to include.
The Perfect Ten: Halloween MMOs
We're only a few days away from Halloween, and already the Massively office staff is dressing up in anticipation. Shawn's post-apocalyptic gear is at odds with Rubi's tastefully modest Guild Wars Elementalist outfit. Greg's Squig is in the corner battling it out with Larry's Chewbacca. Bree is dudded up as a giant red corrective marker; Jef's free-to-play outfit requires microtransactions to view in full; and Kyrstalle is photographing it all with her Poloroid One-Shot camera. I think Eliot showed up in full plate armor and riding a mechanical bull, but that just may be his normal work attire. So as everyone else is goofing off in the spirit of the holidays, it remains to me, your lovable intern, to hack out a top 10 list in honor of All Hallow's Eve. It's the least I can do since they're paying me in candy. While every MMO incorporates horror at some point (even, yes, Hello Kitty Online's Cat-Tastrophie zone), and it's nearly impossible to escape a clutch of giant spiders in any game you visit, I've picked out 10 MMOs that best deliver a slice of October 31st. Some are old, some new, some canceled and some yet to come, but these are 10 of the spookiest MMOs in the world.
