Hey man, everybody's got an enemy -- that moustachioed and / or bizarro-world version of themselves at work or around the neighborhood that makes life interesting. They too are probably deserving of a present this holiday season, so why not give it to 'em in style. Those still exploding cigars are getting a bit old, so we're here to help you with a few gadgets that make life a little more painful.
See also: for him, for her, for son, for daughter, for dad, for mom, for colleague.
$0 - $100
Nike+iPod Sport kit
- There's no way to insinuate that someone should get off their ass and get running than by giving them this gem. Even if they don't really have a weight problem, this should have them double checking that belt in no time, and to someone's who already quite aware of your ill will towards them, receiving this should elicit feelings of rage, depression, and hopelessness -- which is precisely what we're going for here.
$29 - Buy from Apple
Exploding Hello Kitty Doll
- You know that evil, rude, and arrogant "lady friend" of yours that has an awkward obsession with Hello Kitty? Make sure the doll you pick up for that dame is one of the recalled variety, sporting the potentially explosive heatable disc that's sure to cause quite a ruckus sometime in the New Year, or whenever it decides to actually let loose its lava-like contents.
Around $50 - Try to bribe Takara to send you a recalled version
Nyko Intercooler - If your most despised foe just so happens to snag an Xbox 360 over the holiday break, make sure you're just two steps behind giving him / her tips on "extending its life." Read up on the propaganda supporting that oh-so-awful "heating issue," and encourage him / her to take your gift as one of protection from the dreaded "red ring." When it goes up in smoke anyway, resort to ignorance.
$14.99 - Buy from NewEgg
- Killing two birds with one stone is always the best approach to gift giving, and what better way to insult your enemy than by giving him / her this piece of rubbish? For starters, the design of this timepiece is sure to discourage interaction with whomever happens to be donning it, and secondly, the inclusion of a breathalyzer should make him / her feel rather conscious of their alcohol intake, whether or not they really do have a problem. For an extra devilish approach, mention that you've already
slobbered on it tested it out and found it quite accurate.
Inquire for pricing - Buy from A&A
Motorola DCT6412 - The Motorola DCT6412 is a high def DVR -- kind of. Oh sure, it has all the functions and records the shows, but anyone whose ever used one will readily attest that it's kind of the DVR equivalent of gouging your eyes out, or sticking a fork in your leg. Avoid if possible -- except when acquiring one for your enemy.
Usually available through your local cable provider.
Notable mention: Wiimote with old / broken strap
$101 - $250
Trackstick GPS Data Logger - No one said you had to "give" the gift to your most hated enemy. In reality, surreptitiously placing this tiny GPS tracker on their car, boat, plane, or zeppelin is practically the same thing as delivering it in a box with a festive bow. Wait 5 to 7 days while it tracks every movement they make in its 1MB of memory then retrieve the unit and download the history in RTF, XLS, HTML or Google Earth formats.
$249.99 - Buy from ThinkGeek (batteries not included)
- When it comes to enemies, our preferred strategy is to provide the hope of reconciliation while we continue on our quest to crush their spirit. At this price point, nothing will achieve that like a preorder for the aptly named Phantom Lapboard. Considering the company's spotty track record when it comes to shipping products -- any products -- you can count on your foe dreaming of convenient wireless gaming from his couch while you silently watch in anticipation of the inevitable continuing delays the Phantom brand has become synonymous with.
$129.95 - Buy at Phantom Store
URBAN TOOL grooveRider iPod Shirt - Because what you really want for the holidays is to see the person you hate most dancing like an idiot and fondling themselves in public. Once thought to be the type of entertainment that money couldn't possibly buy, URBAN TOOL has proven us wrong yet again with this grooveRider iPod shirt complete with pocket for your iPod, nano or mini and "smart fabric" controls. URBAN TOOL indeed.
$198 (AUD) - Buy from URBAN TOOL
Notable mention: KRZR (If your enemy is an LG executive)
$251 - $500
Xbox 360 Core system - Unwrap that packaging and it's... yes, it's an Xbox! Yes... wait, a Core system? You got me a Core system? What the hell am I going to do with that? I have to buy a wireless controller, and a hard drive, and a headset, this is stupid. Thanks for nothing, jerk.
$300 - Shop for Core system
JVC GR-D350E - Oh sure, this looks like your average, run of the mill digital camcorder. But look at the fine print, son, this is a PAL camera -- totally useless to anyone in North America and large swaths of the world. It's an expensive way to make sure your enemy has absolutely no idea why his trip to Sea World won't show on his television -- just hope he doesn't figure out there are PAL to NTSC conversion services.
$270 - Buy JVC GR-D350E
Oakley THUMP PRO - If you didn't like the original, chunky Oakley THUMP, the THUMP PRO isn't going to tickle your fancy. Glasses with an MP3 player built into goofy oversized rims, this thing won't go larger than a gig, won't play your PlaysForSure tunes, and will cost you between $250 and $350 dollars. You may not want to make the investment here, but if your enemy is looking to buy something for himself, you may have a winner.
$250 and up - Shop for THUMP PRO
$501 - $1000
Dell laptop with recalled battery - Since Big Brother won't let you gift your enemies with real explosives, why not get them the next best thing: a Dell laptop sporting one of the recalled batteries. With so many models to choose from, you're sure to pick one that will delight the recipient -- until it goes boom. Just make sure to go into the browser and block the Dell recall page before you wrap it up!
Prices vary by model. Try Craigslist or eBay.
3 Sony PlayStations - Sony PlayStation 3s are still pretty expensive, but you can pick up 3 original Sony PlayStations on the cheap. Who cares if they don't play Blu-ray movies or the latest and greatest games -- keep the good hardware for yourselves, people!
Prices vary, but spending over $500 makes this gift a lot funnier.
1023 x 768 "HDTV" plus an AVSForum login - Yeah, we know that 1023 horizontal scanning lines doesn't constitute full HD, but we'll bet your enemies don't. Have fun gifting them with a non-HD HDTV, and then have a good laugh at their expense after the info on AVSForums crushes their hopes and dreams of high def glory.
Prices and models vary.
RFID implant surgery - When your arch nemesis unwraps that funny looking little capsule next week and, after a lengthy and convincing argument from you, agrees to go under the knife to have it implanted subcutaneously, they'll do so under the pretense of making life easier -- controlling home automation devices, automatically unlocking doors, signing into computers, and so on. What you don't reveal, of course, is that you actually intend to use your enemy's newfound bionic accessory to track their every move (cue evil laugh).
Price varies (surgery ain't cheap) - Inquire with VeriChip
Fujitsu Deskpower EK30T - This is what your enemy gets for failing to specify what kind of all-in-one system they wanted: a shockingly hideous, underpowered monstrosity of a PC that looks as though it came to us from 1995 through a tear in the space-time continuum. Though we guess the Vista Capable certification and support for up to 2GB of DDR2 RAM are swell features, the 1.46GHz Celeron processor is a joke -- a joke on the poor recipient, that is.
¥129,799 (about $1,100) - Buy from Sofmap
Segway HT with old firmware - Buying someone a Segway can be construed as evil for several reasons; it could make your enemies fat as they stop using their legs to ambulate short distances, for example, and they'll likely be ridiculed by some of their peers for not seeking more traditional methods of transport. This is a little more sinister, though. If you can seek out a Human Transporter that hasn't had the latest firmware update applied, the oblivious rider could end up in a decidedly more horizontal orientation than they'd intended thanks to a defect that "can unexpectedly apply reverse torque to the wheels."
$4995 and up - Find a local dealer