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Caption contest: It's time to share... an '83 GMC Vandura
A rusty short bus isn't the first thing you expect to find parked -- nay, displayed -- outside one of Microsoft's most important events of the year, but alas... here it is. Josh: "It's time to share... this gun." Chris: "We assure you that the display of an inconvenient, worn-out, inefficient, disabled van isn't a metaphor for what we're about to show you." Nilay: "Microsoft takes sexting to the next level." Joe: "Creepiest ice cream truck ever." Richard Lai: "Way to re-use a prop from Zombieland." Thomas: "It's time to share... wives." Joanna: "Microsoft Pink: Get on the short bus." Don: "Needs more airbrush." Paul: "When not selling phones to tweens, Jimmy tours with his post-grunge band and runs an illicit button making operation." Ross: "The van of choice for 38-year old life maximizers."
Caption contest: solar suits, or the future of punishment for eco-abusers?
We get the impression that these guys are really just putting the pressure on "evil corporations" to stop grounding mountains in the everlasting search for coal, but it's not really the environmental activism that caught our attention here. Rather, it's the fact that we're 84.3 percent certain we saw these exact same characters in a Daft Punk video back in college. Seriously -- check the video out after the break and tell us we're loony. Josh T.: "Totally off the grid in regard to both power and girlfriends." Thomas: "And now Solar Sprockets, we dance!" Joe: "You have to go as far as Brussels to find a Devo tribute act worth its salt." Richard Lai: "In the future, humans won't need to eat." Paul: "Sure, they know how to capture the electricity, but do they know what to do with it?" Justin: "In the future, all bands will play the washboard." Laura: "Did anyone make a Beastie Boys joke yet?" Darren: "SABOTAGE." Richard Lawler: "This is not what Boston meant when they said I take what I find."
Caption Contest: 3D is a mind blow, everyone can agree on that
What do b-boys, random celebrities like Mark Sanchez, Andy Samberg and Hillary Duff, and the Black Eyed Peas have to do with 3DTV? We're not sure either, but that didn't stop Samsung from mixing them up during its "worldwide launch event" yesterday in NYC. Check the video (embedded after the break) for the above revelation about 3D from the JIMP troubador himself, but what was going through the heads of our friend Jimmy C and the BEP when this picture was taken? Chris: "And see, just by turning this knob to the right, we can give Avatar a plot." Richard Lawler: "If everyone starts wearing these, we're going to need new outfits." Nilay: "Fascinating. You say this is called a 'lady lump?'" Joe: "What? Bono beat us to it?" Joanna: "That Neytiri, she's a handful..." Paul: "I've gotta feeling that nothing of intellectual importance is happening here."
Caption contest: Optimus Prime moonlights as clothes dryer
What does a superpowered Transformer do in his spare time -- you know, when he's not too busy starring in some of the worst written pieces of escapist cinema? Well, for one Taiwanese fella, there's nothing Optimus Prime likes doing more than supporting a bamboo stick used for hanging washed clothes. Seriously, the dude spent $1,600 on scrap metal, built a 14-foot model of his son's favorite mech superhero, and now has it serving as a spectacularly ornamental pivot for his washing. Classy. Oh, and video after the break. Richard Lai: [pumps up hydraulics] "Why hello there, cute little red car..." Tim: "Autobots, spin cycle!" Thomas: "Transformers: Revenge of the Snuggle Bear." Darren: "Man, it's chilly out today. Wait -- these aren't my threads! RAWWRRRR!" Paul: "Oh, sure, Shia said he'll be 'right back.' I hate that kid." Josh F.: "Do these windows make me look fat?" Laura: "Get Michael Bay on the phone. Immediately." Joanna: "Mommm, bathroom!" Chris: "After nine years, Johnny 5 finally admits that he'd been juicing." Joe: "There's not much more to this than meets the eye... sadly." Don: "You think this is impressive? Wait until you see Voltron mowing my lawn." Josh T.: "I need something to do until Transformers 3 rolls around. This cocaine isn't going to buy itself."
Caption contest: What is Craig doing?
Sure, Intel's demo man -- Craig -- had something specific he was showing us earlier at the company's CES press event, but you can assuredly think of something more... creative, can't you? Tim: "Laaaadies...." Josh T.: "You over there, feel like makin'... no? Okay." Joe: "This one's called Cold Lampin' With Intel." Richard Lai: "Intel outside." Chris: "We doin'... big pimpin', spendin' cheese. We be... big pimpin' on C.O.R.E.'s" Darren: "'Cause my Atom don't stop 'til six in da mooooaannnin'." Ross: "Our Flavor Flav impersonators aren't like your Flavor Flav impersonators." Thomas: "Quick to the point to the point no fakin, I'm cooking AMD like a pound of bacon." Richard Lawler: "This ain't funny so don't ya dare laugh." Don: "I pity the fool that buys AMD." Joanna: "No, you're a rockstar." Vlad: "I might look like a fool, but I'm getting paid to dress and act like this, what's your excuse?"
Caption contest: Ellen DeGeneres and her ʞoou giveaway
Look, sometimes show hosts can get a bit too excited, especially when it comes to Christmas giveaway segments behind a massive pile of gadgets -- most of which they've probably never heard of until ten minutes before the show. If you were Ellen DeGeneres here with the upside-down Nook e-reader, what could possibly be going through your head? Video after the break. Ross: ".ɹıɐɥɔ ǝɥʇ uı ʞɔɐq puɐ dn ǝɯ d1ǝɥ ǝsɐǝ1d 'ʞoou sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ uɐɔ noʎ ɟı" Chris: "Everyone gets a (deafening applause, people fainting)." Joanna: "Oh cute, Ellen pulling a Michael Jackson. Where is the closest balcony?" Vlad: "And with your purchase of the androgynous android, you get an added value ebook reader -- absolutely free!" Don: "The good news? B&N has settled its dispute with Spring Design. The bad news? You have to hold it this way." Richard Lawler: "Read this way, Twilight has an entirely different double meaning." Paul: "I'm holding it upside down because it's a non-working dummy unit and it doesn't matter." Nilay: "God I wish this was a car." Richard Lai: "Look!! It's got the same smile as me! It's just like a magical mirror." Ross Rubin: "Maybe one day, the Nook will be like me and finally come out."
Caption contest: Palm strikes a pose in Spain
There are three things in this crazy world that scare the living daylights out of us: poor battery life, scratched screens, and seven-foot tall she-bots wielding Pres like concealed weapons. This, it seems, was the nightmarish scenario facing Madrid as it launched Palm's first webOS-based phone this week. Chris: "I'm being treated well, but please, it's imperative that you buy this phone as expediently as possible." Richard Lai: "My other toy is the Pre." Ross: "It says if we don't do exactly as it commands, the Spiders from Mars will return and destroy us all."Darren: "Geordi La Forge and I are like this." Josh T.: "So far they have treated me well, but I fear that could change at any moment. If you comply with their demand for 300 pairs of leather pants, they say I will be released unharmed."Thomas: "Sir, I assure you, this is exactly how they do it in America."
Caption contest: Big Four's CEOs finally united by a very large check
The CEOs of Verizon, AT&T, Sprint, and T-Mobile -- Lowell McAdam, Ralph de la Vega, Dan Hesse, and Robert Dotson -- came together on stage for a fleeting moment at CTIA today to present a $1 million donation to nonprofit organization One Economy. It was a PR opportunity, yes, but what was really going on in their minds? Chris: "Dan, seriously, will you come off the stilts for 20 seconds?" Nilay: "One Economy will of course have to pay a $40,000 activation fee." Joe: "Not to be outdone, Boost Mobile extends One Economy a gift certificate for one free Kid Cudi ringtone." Josh T.: "Here, enjoy 0.1 percent of our collective salary." Richard: "Do you think they're standing in order of who has the most bars?"
Caption Contest: Waterproof BlackBerry Storm doubles as flotation device
Following hot on the heels of a similar outing from Samsung, it seems that RIM's finally wading into the oversized novelty smart phone market.Josh T: "Even at that size, the Storm was still difficult to type on."Tim: "HELLO? WHAT? NO I'M IN A SWIMMING POOL. YEAH, IT'S RUBBISH."Darren: "Clickable touchscreen, huh? Riiiiiight."Jacob: "I never thought the Storm could've been such a lifesaver."Laura: "I'm not sure this is what people meant when they said RIM should try to make a BlackBerry that appeals to younger people."Joe: "Looks like it's time to try out that 'rice bowl' trick."Ross: "It's pretty rude of him to sit on those text messages all day." Don: "Gotta watch out for those deep end roaming charges."Nilay: "A U2 backstage pass is not what it used to be."Chris: "Analysts say that the Storm's price is inflated and RIM's touchscreen support is still in its infancy."
Caption contest: Google Checkout finally finds a home
Reader Milad sends in this picture of a Lebanese grocery store suffering from a little branding envy.Nilay: "This is not what we expected by "'innovative windowing system.'"Chris: "Oh, so this is what Orkut is."Ross: "Interestingly, the produce section has a sale on blackberries."Darren: "And you thought Google Groceries was a belated April Fool's prank."Paul: "Our VeggieRank was suspiciously low."Thomas H.: "I'm Feeling Lucky doesn't work so well with produce."Josh F.: "No, really. It's pronounced 'Goo-Glay.' It's French."Richard: "Unfortunately, AisleView is not available in the scones, tea and treacle section."Ross R.: "Our carrots put the beta in their Beta-carotene."Thomas R.: "Do you sell Bing?"
Caption Contest: Civil War reenactment + iPhone = ubernerd
Far be it from us to make fun of people for their favorite pastimes -- that would, in fact, be the pot calling the kettle black (considering that we're both addicted to gadgets and quilting, we have little room to point fingers). However, it's possible that you might be a serious nerd if you're caught gabbing on your iPhone in the midst of a hike during a reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg. Good sir, we salute thee!Laura: "Are you telling me I'm not eligible for an upgrade until 1865!?"Joe: "North and South could both agree that lack of Flash support was a grave oversight"Thomas: "Robert E. Lee!? I thought you said rob a 3G"Josh T: "What? I said 'what's so civil about war anyway?'"Nilay: "An app store divided against itself cannot stand."Don: "Scurvy? Nope, not an app for that."Chris: "Yeah, I mistook it for a piece of hardtack last week, just came back out this morning. Works great!" Ross R.: "I like that it runs Merrimac OS X."[Thanks, Ethan]
Caption contest: it's deadbeat-tastic!
Karma's a bitch on the streets of Chicago.Chris: "Oh, the boot is attached to a third-party wheel? We don't support that configuration, sir."Paul: "Did you try restarting it?"Don: "Ok, sir, we can remove the boot between the hours of 8AM and 8PM. Will you be at the vehicle?"Darren: "Fired."Nilay: "CableCARD installations have become increasingly hostile."Joe: "I bet the DirecTV guys never have this problem."Richard: "You have exceeded your monthly mileage quota. Additional travel can be purchased for $20/mile."Josh: "Let's see you dream your way out of this one."Ryan: "Oh, so you can't take off the boot until we pay the fines. But can I interest you in our all-in-one triple-play package?"Thomas: "So this is what throttling feels like." [Photo courtesy of Patrick Brendan O'Dea; thanks Chicago Scooter Club]
Caption contest: creepy clown as excited about Renee Zellweger's Bold as she is
Nothing irks us more than big dudes in blush standing well within our personal space while we're trying to show off our Bold to a small army of paparazzi.Chris: "It's a Taser, too! Watch!"Darren: "IT'S MURDERED OUT!"Ross: "To be honest, I don't think Verizon's 'My Network' should ever have a casual dress day."Don: "It does everything except erase this image from your memory!"Paul: "This is so exciting, I'm going to write about it... in my diary!"Josh: "Welcome to Hell."Joe: "After Jack White, being seen in public with a clown was really no big deal."Thomas: "We're just two happy party clowns, sitting down to a plate of beef. White- powdery- beef."Jacob: "I got it FREE on contract!!!"Nilay: "You complete me."
Caption Contest: Fire-breathing robot scuttles into choir practice
We're not so sure who thought it'd be a bright idea to invite Torayan, a 7.2 meter tall, fire-breathing robot to what appears to be an otherwise calm and collected choir practice, but that sucker is going to burn.[Thanks, Chris]Nilay: "Look, he wants you off the ****ing set."Ross: "Turns out he's a little sensitive about being compared to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man."Paul: "Needless to say, there were a few rule revisions to the RoboSoccer games the following year."Chris: "Years of steroid abuse have drastically altered Asimo's personality and physical appearance."Joe: "This could be the biggest thing to happen for Open Source, EVER!"Jacob: "I AM THE VOICE OF THE GENERATION!"Darren: "Ah, so that's what those waivers that mom had to sign were for."Richard: "Kanye's backstage rants have really gotten out of control, haven't they?"Thomas: "Wait until you see me pee."
Caption contest: Cricket builds the world's largest cellphone
Regional carrier Cricket has set about breaking the Guinness record for the world's largest cellphone, crafting a giant Samsung Messager out of wood, metal, lights, wizardry, and love. It'll be officially unveiled tomorrow, but in the meantime, we've been treated to some behind-the-scenes footage of the 8th Wonder Of The World's creation. Follow the break for video.Chris: "Leaving out the microSD slot was purely a design decision."Don: "Hey, anybody remember where we put the world's smallest cellphone?"Paul: "yo, david, can we meet up for this fight tmrw? me and my philistine buddies got totally wasted last night, got giant hangover. thx."Joe: "Sure, Cricket has a bigger network, but Boost Mobile has better ringtones."Josh T.: "And yet... the display is still cramped."Nilay: "Finally, we will crush the iPhone!"Thomas: "Hold on, let me walk over to my inbox"Jacob: "The good news? Grandma will be able to see the buttons. The bad news? She won't be able to dial a number without an oxygen tank."
Caption contest: the most depressing thing we've seen all day
We've seen many wonderful, exciting things at Mobile World Congress this year.This isn't one of them.Chris: "Listen, you (expletive), I'm only two months behind on the Easy Bake."Darren: "Hawha? Iaowe u six five dolars? Huh? Moommiieeee!"Josh: "It will be a $35 charge to reinstate service, and no, you can't have a cookie."Richard: "How could I have sent that many SMS? I can't even read. Put your manager on."Joe: "Is this what they mean by 'the future underwriting the present?'"Jose: "Sshhhh! I'm talking to my marketing consultant - he loves the banner!"Paul: "Sure, the hold times suck, but at least they play tunes from The Wiggles in the background."Nilay: "I'm sorry, but they just haven't taught us the difference between .002 dollars and .002 cents in math class yet."
Caption Contest: The Network covers ground in a Smart car
We've heard that The Network is pretty expansive, but we never could figure out just how Verizon Wireless managed to cover all those dead zones in record time without being heard. Now, it all makes sense.Sean: "With a requirement to cut costs and save cake, Verizon has hired Bob the Builder to do the work of thousands. New Verizon slogan: 'Yes we can!'"Darren: "Anticipating an ambush from Chad and all his traditionalist friends, Verizon employees were forced to wear hard hats not just on location, but in transit."Paul: "There's probably a smarmy guy with glasses in that car. Can you feel the anger rising within? You must learn to control that anger."Chris: "'Small, slow, and easily destroyed' was not the corporate image Verizon was hoping to project with its road fleet."Don: "Verizon was forced to quickly improvise after its first vehicle, the Storm-mobile, mistook park for reverse and met an unfortunate end."Joe: "It's a long, lonely road out there -- longer and lonelier when your car is wearing a funny hat."Nilay: "God, I hope no one can hear me now."Ben: "Ironically, this Verizon Wireless driver was seen using a GSM handset while traversing the International Speedway."Thomas: "My other car is a T-Mobile."[Thanks, Evan]
Caption Contest: If BlackBerrys were wooly mammoths
It seems Canadian megacarrier Rogers Wireless is sponsoring Ottawa's Winterlude Festival right now, effectively incorporating the two things that come to mind when we think of Canada -- ice and BlackBerrys -- into a single exhibit. So much for that warranty, eh?Chris: "Shortly before being packaged for sale, RIM attempts to remove bugs from the Storm's firmware using a 20G centrifuge."Thomas: "Camerica explorers surprised to discover cryogenically preserved device with OS superior to Windows Mobile 14."Nilay: "And you thought the browser was glacial."Don: "Miley Cyrus' request for some 'iced-out BlackBerrys' didn't translate so well north of the border."Paul: "The next firmware update is rumored to include a hammer and a chisel."Jacob: "Must've been one heck of a Storm."Darren: "I asked for a chilled blackberry martini, and got this."Ross: "Not to be outdone, Telus has encased a Curve 8350i inside Vanilla Ice. Turn off the lights and his stomach might glow."Sean: "RIM's metaphorical take on the 'new reality' of modern smartphones"Joe: "It's a little too big for curling, but it does do SMS."Josh: "David Blaine: BlackBerry user."[Thanks, Bryan W. F.]
Caption Contest: Best Buy FTW
A Twitterer documents the demise of one big box via the burn of another. Tim: "And thus the 2009 FatWallet suicide craze began."Josh F: "First!"Joe: "Yeah, but what about the Palm store?"Laura: "So, you're telling me I have to pay full price for this copy of Final Destination IV? FINE."Richard: "...And we finally have proof you never actually shopped there anyway."Paul: "We've also stopped matching Buy More prices ever since that silly 3D episode."Jacob: "...And we're therefore rebranding to Kinda the Best Buy.'"Ross: "For $100, the Geek Squad has offered to read these aloud to you. For an extra $50, they'll stop themselves from giggling through the word 'unfortunate.'"Nilay: "Also, it's okay to start liking 'Just What I Needed' again."Sean: "We will, however, attempt to make the Circuit City faithful feel right at home with some new bait and switch tactics of our own."Don: "Circuit City employees will be hired based on their technical knowledge, communication skills, and rapping ability."[Thanks, Adam]
Caption Contest: Sony Vaio P is escorted to Grand Central Station
Sony looks to drum up a little more buzz for its new ultraportable, the Vaio P, at Grand Central Station.Paul: "There's a Vaio P configuration for every wig-adorned model in your life."Josh T.: "She's so fine, there's no telling where the money went. Wait, no. It went to the VAIO P."Nilay: "Alias has really gone downhill."Joseph: "It's nice when replicants find honest work."Laura: "You have no idea how expensive it is to make something look this cheap."Donald: "Ok, now bring out the mimes."Chris: "Don't just stand there, let's get to it, strike a pose, there's nothing to it... vogue."Tim: "Seven blondes walk into a Sony Style ..."Thomas: "Hey look, those mannequins are just as slow with the VAIO P as Vista!"Ross: "And like that, Andrew McCarthy and Meshach Taylor knew just what to do to kick-start their careers."
